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10 Worst Ways to Encourage Your Wife to Have Sex with You After Baby

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10 Worst Ways to Encourage Your Wife to Have Sex with You After Baby

Many men I know — I, uh, won’t name names — complain that their wives don’t put out as much after having a baby, what with the mind-numbing exhaustion and all.  So for all those amorous new dads in need of some guidance, this list is for you to keep in mind:  The top 10 worst ways to encourage your wife to have sex with you after baby.

10.  Reassuring your wife by saying: “I don’t care if your boobs have gotten saggy.  It’s kind of cool I can kiss your stomach and breasts at the same time now!”

9.  Crying like a baby because, as you tell her, “that’s the only thing that gets her attention these days.”

8.  Informing her with a pout that you’ve exhausted all of your porn.

7.  Telling her you don’t understand why she’s so tired, anyway.

6.  Begging her to have sex with you because you’re excited she “actually has boobs now!”

5.  Uttering any sentence involving the words, “Blue Balls.”

4.  Giving her a coupon for “Sexy Time:  Good Any Time of Day” as her only present for Mother’s Day.

3.  Gazing at her nether regions with a sexy smirk, followed by your best pick-up line: “Let’s see if we can still achieve friction down there, shall we?”

2.   Purring that you’ll be “waiting in bed for her” after she’s done folding the laundry, emptying the dishwasher and cleaning up all of the baby’s toys.

1.  Waking her up in the middle of the first good nap she’s gotten since the baby was born and asking, “Now?”

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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