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Top 10 Best Things About Weaning My Son

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Top 10 Best Things About Weaning My Son

I am in the midst of weaning my 14-month-old son (almost wrote 14-YEAR-old… would have loved to have seen the comments on THAT!), a fun process marked with painfully engorged breasts — despite having weaned gradually — as well as hormonal mood swings and sadness about never sharing that special bonding time with my son again (which we haven’t shared since he got hand, foot and mouth disease, causing painful sores in his mouth and permanently affecting his ability to nurse properly).

Yes!  Good times!

So I thought I would lift my spirits by looking on the bright side and highlighting the best things about weaning…

Top 10 Best Things About Weaning My Son

10.  After being pregnant and/or breastfeeding for almost four years now, I can reclaim my body and do WHATEVER I want with it — like have that margarita without a second thought!

9.  …And eight lattes!

8.  …And bottomless sushi!

7.  …And allergy medication that works!

6.  …And any antibiotics I want!

5.  …And a hit of that young man in the alleyway’s crack pipe!

4.  Basically, I am free to use the pharmacy’s inventory as my personal buffet.

3.  Never have to be subjected to the sight of myself pumping milk in the bathroom mirror again, a reflection that always made me yell, “MOO!”

2.  My currently engorged, huge, misshapen and unnaturally hard breasts could help me land a role on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

1.  When the kid wakes up in the middle of the night, I can tell my husband, “YOU get him!” and actually GO BACK TO SLEEP.  Hallelujah!

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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