Weighing in on a Critical Matter of Importance for Moms: The Casting of ’50 Shades of Grey’

When I heard they were making 50 Shades of Grey into a movie, I had what I believe was a very reasonable reaction:  “NOOOOOOOOOO!  WHY, LORD, WHY?” I cried as I crumbled to my knees.

This is a trilogy meant to be read, not viewed or heard.  Not only because nothing on-screen can compare to women’s vivid imaginations, but also because even Meryl Streep couldn’t deliver lines like, “Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin’s lamp all rolled into one” without the audience falling into a collective heap of hysterics.  So I buried my head in the sand and, much like I do when my daughter yells things about EATING MOMMY’S BUTT! in the middle of Target, I pretended this whole thing wasn’t happening.

But alas, it is.  It really, really is.  And there are approximately ten-million-and-two articles about “DREAM CASTING FOR ’50 SHADES’ MOVIE!” to jackhammer that point into my thick skull over and over again.  Much like Christian Grey jackhammers — well, you know where I’m going with this.

If they are going to insist this is “mommy porn,” as so many reporters and marketers out there do, then I, as a said “mommy,” feel it is my maternal duty to offer my two cents’ about who they cast in this sure-to-be-Oscar-winner.  Because once I pulled my head out of the sand and checked out the actors other sites were suggesting?  I was all, “OH, HELL NO!”  35-year-old Alexander Skarsgård as Christian Grey?  27-year-old Scarlett Johansson as Anastasia Steele?  54-year-old Sharon Stone as Mrs. Robinson?  Did these people even read the trilogy?  ‘Cause here’s the thing about the main players:  They are all YOUNG.  Very, very young.  Christian is 27; Anastasia is 21; and dominant cougar extraordinaire, Mrs. Robinson, aka Elena Lincoln, is actually only in her late 30s.

That’s not to say that Casting can’t take creative license with their choices. But they don’t have to — not if they pursue CANDY’S DREAM CASTING FOR ’50 SHADES’ MOVIE!

Here they are, Casting folks:  the actors you should be courting for this flick, along with why they fulfill important aspects of their respective characters.

1.  Ian Somerhalder as Christian Grey

IMPORTANT ASPECT #1:  Hot enough to make every woman that crosses his path want to immediately drop her panties?  Yeah, okay, check.  (Except for ME, of course, Mr. Candy.  *Ahem*)

IMPORTANT ASPECT #2:  Mesmerizing eyes?  Yup.

IMPORTANT ASPECT #3:  Can we buy him as 27 years old?  Sure, with the right lighting and make-up.

Most importantly of all, how does he look while reciting key dialogue such as:

Ding, ding, ding!  We have a winner.

2.  Jennifer Lawrence as Anastasia Steele

IMPORTANT ASPECT #1:  Can she rock a “clingy purple dress” with “legs that go on forever”?  Check.

IMPORTANT ASPECT #2:  Can we buy her as 21 years old?  Would think so, considering she is 21 years old.

IMPORTANT ASPECT #3:  Can we buy her as a 21-year-old virgin?  Certainly more so than, say, Lindsay Lohan or Miley Cyrus.  (Although if they were looking to make a comedy out of this…)

Most importantly of all, how does she look while reciting key dialogue such as:

Good thing she has Oscar-nominated acting chops to help her with that one.

3.  Blake Lively as Kate Kavanagh

Blake Lively playing a bubbly, worldly, attractive, upper-crust blonde?  What a stretch!

4.  Charlize Theron as “Mrs. Robinson”

Yeah, I could see why a teenage boy would succumb to this “beautiful, tall and blonde” S&M sex fiend.

And… DONE.  Now can we get this movie made and over with, so I can laugh at the terrible reviews and proclaim how I will never, ever watch this cinematic fiasco, then excitedly rent it on Pay-Per-View while Mr. Candy is snoring on the couch some boring Saturday night, thankyouverymuch?