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Top 10 Things I’ve Learned from ’50 Shades of Grey’

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Top 10 Things I’ve Learned from ’50 Shades of Grey’

Granted, I’m only halfway through book #2 in the trilogy, but it’s been quite an education nonetheless.  What I’ve learned:

10. A virgin who orgasms — twice — her first time having sex.  Had no idea this book was a comedy!

9.  There are no synonyms for “impassive,” therefore, it must be used every other sentence.

8.  Surprisingly, I do find the idea of a ridiculously hot 27-year-old billionaire who can make a woman orgasm every time attractive.  Whowouldathunkit?

7.  Saying “Laters baby” is a total buzzkill.

6.  As is calling women in their 30s “old.”  Repeatedly.  *Sigh*

5.  “Inner goddess” is literary code for “inner hornball.”

4.  In fact, an “inner goddess” can pout and “jump up and down with cheer-leading pom-poms shouting yes” and “look like someone snatched her ice cream” — in other words, even an imaginary inner hornball is capable of emoting and acting more convincingly than a Kardashian.

3.  This is not “mommy porn.”  I mean, there hasn’t been a single mention of Christian Grey offering to watch the kids, his grey eyes blazing, while Mom takes a long bubble bath by herself without a single kid knocking on the door.  Hmpf.  (Fingers crossed for book #3!)

2.  You might have a worrisome addiction to the book IF…you tell your children’s daycare teacher the reason you “look so tired” is because the baby was up all night… when, in reality, you were up until 2:30 a.m. reading 50 Shades.  (True story.  I need help.)

1.  If Anastasia Steele can’t handle getting hit, bitten and bossed around, then she’d better never have any kids.

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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