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Son’s Hand-Written (Yes! Written! By Hand!) Diatribe About Mom’s “Nefarious” Alarm Clock Goes Viral

The Work of Kids

Son’s Hand-Written (Yes! Written! By Hand!) Diatribe About Mom’s “Nefarious” Alarm Clock Goes Viral

(My response follows.)

If this were MY son…?  This would be my response:

Dear Oldest Son,

Considering YOU were the “douche-incarnate sleep molester” in my life for countless years — waking me from the “bounds of sweet slumber” every three-to-four hours with your “hellish cries” for the first year of your life, then running into our room and jumping on our bed at the “wretched” hour of 6 a.m. for the better part of your childhood — I must tell you this:  if you deign to raise even one nefarious finger in the direction of my alarm clock, nary a single morsel of my banana bread will ever pass your lips again.

Also, your letter is colorfully written, but divest yourself of the profanity please.  SO pedestrian.




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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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