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10 Better Ways to Teach Your Teenage Brat a Lesson

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10 Better Ways to Teach Your Teenage Brat a Lesson

As some of you probably have already seen, a now-(in)famous man recently took to YouTube to berate his 15-year-old daughter; she had posted a rant against her parents on Facebook — you know, typical ungrateful, profanity-laced teenage ridiculousness — and upon seeing it, her dad lost his sh*t, telling her off in a video and capping it off with a dramatic shooting of her laptop.

One computer dead; one teenager even more resentful; one dad charged with technological homicide.  What a tragedy — especially the computer, who was just an innocent victim in all of this.  I can’t help but wonder…might there have been more effective ways to have handled this situation?  To that end, here are my proposed Top 10 Better Ways to Teach Your Teenage Brat a Lesson:

10.  Barter your daughter’s computer for piles of cow manure…

…And make her spread it around your lawn, which clearly is in dire need of fertilizer.

9.  Shut down your daughter’s Facebook account and make her use MySpace instead.  (Ouch.)

8.  Engage her in a long, constructive conversation about why her behavior is hurtful and disrespectful.  (Teenagers love to have long, thoughtful conversations with their parents!)

7.  Instead of calling your teenager an “ass” in the very video in which you condemn her use of profanity, employ a term that is less profane and way more colorful, such as “fartknocker.”

6.  Maturely let your teenager know you are not happy by posting a statement on her wall:  🙁 Or, for a really bold statement: 🙁 🙁 🙁

5.  Sounds like your daughter needs a job and a lesson in what REAL cleaning is like, so kill two birds with one stone by submitting her for this job:  “WANTED:  PART-TIME CLEANING LADY FOR LARGE FAMILY.  CALL NADYA SULEMAN AT 555-1234.”

4.  Rather than, you know, murdering the computer, donate it to charity — perhaps to an organization in support of Tourettes Syndrome, since your daughter seemed to be suffering from the disorder in her Facebook diatribe.

3.  Lose the cigarette.

Unless you’re also planning to set her phone on fire, of course.  In which case, carry on!

2.  Take the lock off her door so her little brother DOES wake her up every day at 6AM.  (BWA-HA-HAAAA!)

1.  Return the new software you bought and use the money towards a proper funeral.

R.I.P. Laptop.  No amount of control-alt-deleting can bring you back now, but your memory will forever live on YouTube.  Well, until video of a baby laughing at a farting hamster takes the Internet by storm, at which point you will be old news.  But until then…we will not forget.  *SNIFF*

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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