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Mother of the Week So Far: Lactating Woman Arrested After Spraying Police with Breast Milk

Weird But True

Mother of the Week So Far: Lactating Woman Arrested After Spraying Police with Breast Milk

Please note: Mathilda the cow is a reenactment actor; not actual photo of lactating woman

Police did not need to ask an Ohio woman, “Got milk?” because she let her lactating breasts do the spraying, giving unwitting police officers a face full of breast milk as they tried to remove her drunken behind from a vehicle, reports Reuters.

And NO, it was not me.  This time.

Stephanie Robinette, 30, was arrested and charged with domestic violence and assault linked to a domestic dispute, as well as resisting arrest and disorderly conduct — not to mention possessing lethally engorged breasts with intent to hose down legal enforcement officers.

According to the classy mama’s husband, the pair had been attending a wedding when his wife got drunk and started a fight.  He said that she hit him many times before locking herself in her car outside a banquet facility on Saturday.

See?  This is what happens when you can’t drink alcohol for nine months.  Your tolerance…?  GONE.  So take note, new moms:  It is crucial to rebuild your tolerance with regular (and abundantly filled) TGIF drinks before attending any weddings.  Just some healthy advice from me to you.

Having obviously not rebuilt her tolerance before hitting the open bar, Robinette reportedly yelled profanities at the sheriff’s deputies and refused to get out of the car.

“When deputies attempted to remove Robinette from the vehicle, she advised the deputies that she was a breastfeeding mother and proceeded to remove her right breast from her dress and began spraying deputies and the vehicle with her breast milk,” the sheriff said.

Robinette was later removed from the car and arrested after more deputies arrived on the scene — and, may I just say, thank goodness they had plenty of officers there…. because everyone knows it takes a village of policemen to, um, get a proper handle on a wayward breast.

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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