You’re almost five years old. Five! Old enough to know you’re doing it ALL WRONG. You see, my friend’s 5-year-old son keeps his pacifier in the top drawer of his nightstand. Yeah, easy access. So when he’s feeling anxious, he can quickly grab it, suck on it a few times and put it back before anybody notices — just like getting a fix of crack cocaine. The lesson to be learned here: Preserve your dignity by indulging bad habits behind closed doors where the Internet can’t judge you.
Just a l’il parental wisdom from me to you. (Seriously. Do I have to do ALL the work around here, Tom and Katie? Geesh.)
Yours in secretive, unhealthy habits,
Candy (who is on her second bag of Lorna Doones in her bedroom, away from the disapproving stares of the cats)
P.S. Please disregard if you’re just covering for your Teddy Bear, who clearly is WAY too old to be using a pacifier. Especially the stuff I said about the multiple bags of Lorna Doones! Ha, ha! Just kidding! Don’t tell my doctor please! Also: I covet your coat.