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Craigslist Want Ad: Substitute Wife Needed

Defies Categorization

Craigslist Want Ad: Substitute Wife Needed

Just a little more than a day after his wife left town, a San Francisco-area dad supposedly panicked and posted a craigslist ad for a temporary replacement wife and admitted he has a new “appreciation” for all she accomplishes in one day.  Meaning:  A smart-ass wife, a woman after my own heart, wrote this.  No way did a man actually accomplish laundry, the dishes AND a playdate in 26 hours.  Also, he would have requested that applicants submit to sex at least five nights a week.

Regardless, you’ll get a chuckle out of it.  Here’s a copy of the text:

HELP! I am a marin dad who has been left alone with myself and my two children (ages 3 and 5) for about 26 hours now. I have driven them to playdates, tried to buy groceries at Whole Foods (where my son knocked out one of his teeth in the meat department), done countless loads of laundry (mostly my own) and dishes (mostly theirs). I’ve tried to prepare nutritious meals, and spent nearly every available minute picking up after them. I’m exhausted.

I need someone to temporarily replace my wife. Duties include picking up my kids and my messes all day, teaching me how to properly launder a sweater (because clearly I have no idea), be patient as my daughter decides whether she wants to get out of the car or play with her fingers, talk my son into wearing socks with dots on them when he’s out of “slippery” socks and to provide some adult-level conversation for me. You also have to notice when any number of supplies such as toothpaste, paper towels, laundry and dish detergent, razor blades, soap, milk, trash bags, etc. are running low and then secretly replace them while I’m not noticing. If I decide that I want to do something “important”, you’ll watch the kids for me and be supportive. While do all of this. you must also somehow make enough time for me so that I feel “important” … I’m pretty emotionally needy.

Applicants must be witty, with a good sense of humor and very cute.

Compensation includes meals (well – you help make many of them), a place to stay and a massive amount of appreciation that most wives probably don’t get because now I really understand how hard it is!

Serious inquiry’s only.

desperately yours,

Marin Dad

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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