Dear Candy

As you can imagine, I get quite a bit of feedback from fans, foes and the inebriated — much of which is even more entertaining than watching the Duggar clan — GASP! — wear shorts in public for the first time ever.  Yes, if you can believe it!  Among these e-mails are some seemingly serious life questions, questions that, we can all agree, I have no business answering.  But, hey, complete and utter lack of knowledge has never stopped me before.  So here we go…!  (All are real e-mails from my in-box; however, some identities have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.)

The woman imparting her pearls of wisdom. Do you trust her advice? I didn't think so.

Dear Candy,

Love your site!

I was wondering if you had any advice. My husband and I just had our first baby. A little girl named Emma. We are planning on going back to visit our respective families for the holidays for Emma’s first Christmas. The only problem is that we live in Texas and I am from South Carolina and my husband is from Arizona. Both Grandparents want to have us for Christmas morning, but I really want to go to my parents. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Emma’s Mommy

Dear Emma’s Mommy,

Congratulations on your new arrival!  Emma is a lovely name.  My husband pushed hard for Emma/Emily, but once I learned he liked the name because it reminded him of a junior high crush, I said, “No freakin’ way, Jose!”  True story.

There is only one fair and constructive way to solve your dilemma:  rock, paper, scissors.  And, if that doesn’t go your way, do not hesitate to play the “I carried that butterball in my womb for nine months” card.  Its shelf-life doesn’t last forever; however, you say you just had the baby, so take advantage of it while you can.

Assuage your husband by suggesting you visit his parents for another important holiday.  I hear Arizona is simply lovely over Arbor Day weekend!

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Candy,

I know you only have 1 baby, but I now have 2. A 6 year old boy and a 2 year old girl. I know we aren’t supposed to have favorites and I love them both dearly, but my little girl is such a Momma’s girl. How do I keep from playing favorites?

Nina M.

Dear Nina M.,

I am actually an expert in this area, being both the youngest daughter and, I say with complete objectivity, the favorite child in my family.  So you have come to the right place for advice!

It is important that your son not detect any favoritism; therefore, make a concerted effort to show you love him in ways that really matter — i.e., by buying him fancy electronics and allowing him to watch lots of TV.

If your son still manages to pick up on your bias, assure him this will only last until your daughter hits puberty and decides she hates you — at which point he automatically becomes top dog!  That will be an exciting time for him, indeed.

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candy, Your love life is set to rock

Tired about the jokes your girlfriends make about your small equipment? Here’s the solution.
http://www.XXXXXXXX.com/

Dear Love Life Savior,

I AM tired of the “small equipment” jokes.  How did you know?  Women can be so cruel… but I will get the last laugh when they find out I’m set to inherit $3.5 million from a dying Russian woman named Mrs.Lyudmila Kornilina.  Yes!  I am!  It was quite a surprise, as you can imagine, but Mrs.Lyudmila Kornilina sent me an e-mail that mistakenly landed in my spam box, letting me know she is dying of cancer and has kindly decided to donate all of her money to me just as soon as she ties up some odds and ends with my credit card.

So thank you for offering an ear to bend and a solution for my little problem, but my newfound riches will more than make up for the inadequacy, I’m sure!