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Sex Toy or Household Product?

Sex

Sex Toy or Household Product?

This post is rated PG-13 and Anti-Parents. Not suitable for children under 13 or my mom and dad.

With an acute case of Pregnancy Brain, I’ll admit I’m easily confused these days. However, I’ve always been befuddled by sex toys, as it’s often unclear to me whether they’re supposed to offer pleasure, blend my margaritas or clean my windows. So, being the thorough, dedicated reporter that I am, I decided to get my hands — and mind — dirty with an ongoing investigative report:

SEX TOY OR HOUSEHOLD PRODUCT?!

Let’s see if you can determine which of these are sex aids, and which are found in Target’s housewares and electronics aisles:

1. Sex Toy? Or Household Product?

CLICK HERE FOR ANSWER

1. ANSWER: UM… HOUSEHOLD PRODUCT. SORT OF.

This “Epidermits” toy is currently only a concept — and the freakiest thing I’ve seen since man babies. Apparently, a human-like tissue organism covers the robotic thing, which also runs on fuel cells for energy. In theory, you are supposed to be able to program it to move around and act as your kid’s companion.

Um, I think kids are better off with something less scary. Like knives.

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2. Sex Toy? Or Household Product?

CLICK HERE FOR ANSWER

2. ANSWER: SEX TOY

The Mini-Max Waterproof Vibe Makeup Brush “doubles as a discreet massager” — offering a couple ways to put blush on those cheeks. Ba-da-bum.

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3. Sex Toy? Or Household Product?

CLICK HERE FOR ANSWER

3. ANSWER: SEX TOY

No, the Pink Panther didn’t just cough up a hairball.

This is the “Dust Your Sweetie Feather Duster.” As you can see, it comes with a fluffy applicator and cotton candy-flavored powder for those who forgot to have a snack before sex.

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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