An Open Letter to Suri Cruise About Her Parents’ Divorce

Dear Suri,

Okay, I’m sorry, Miss Suri.  I know this isn’t the easiest time for you, what with your parents announcing their split and all.  In fact, it — pardon my French — sucks.  The only silver lining in this for you may be —

Uh, what?  What’s a “silver lining,” you ask?  Well, it’s finding the good in –.  No, no, not the kind of silver lining that’s in your Marc Jacobs clutch.  Another kind, the kind where you look for the positive in an otherwise not-so-good –.  Hey, what are you looking at?  Are you judging my flats?  Stop.  WE ARE GETTING OFF-TOPIC HERE!

Anyway.

We’ve all judged you too harshly in the past, from your paternity, to your taste in shoes, to your pacifier, to your choice of snacks.  YOU ARE A CHILD.  A small child.  None of us should be that invested in the clothes you wear.  Thing is, it’s not you — it’s us.  We were, um, surprised by the, er, “voracity” of your father’s love for your mom, and how their relationship evolved, and were not entirely sure what to think of them together.  A lot of people projected those less-than-positive feelings onto you, I think — a terrible development that I hope diminishes in the wake of this sad news for you.

Speaking of sad, I’m kinda bummed we no longer will get snapshots of your parents’ amazing dance moves…

…especially your mom’s signature “Chicken Dance” move.  But remember, the other silver lining?  Is YOU.  Whatever else we might say about them, your parents obviously treasure you and will do whatever they can to ease the sadness for you.  Oh!  Even more importantly, don’t ever, ever google your name + “Chris Klein.”  Ever.  Because you look nothing like that buffoon —

Uh, what?  What’s a “buffoon,” you ask?  That one’s easy:  like Barney.

From the creepy woman writing open letters to a six-year-old and coveting that six-year-old’s Marc Jacobs clutch,

Candy