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These Dolls Will Haunt Your Soul

Pop Culture

These Dolls Will Haunt Your Soul

Reborn and Refried

Introducing “reborns,” dolls that are designed to look and feel just like a real newborn baby — and, I suspect, to kill you in your sleep.

According to ABC News, women across the country are obsessed with these life-like dolls, paying upwards of $1,400 to fulfill their maternal needs with them.

$1400?! If they’re looking to be mothers, I’m pretty sure K-Fed would gladly knock them up for the low price of a Bud Light Lime.

One reborn fanatic admits her dolls are kind of a substitute for babies and that she especially savors moments when other people think that her reborns are real.

“I guess it would be considered, like, a maternal instinct,” she said. “You’re, like, all happy and proud, ’cause they’re, you know, googling over your baby.”

Well, who could resist that adorable crown of serial killer hair?!

Another fanatic just purchased a reborn called Rachel for $1,400 to add to her collection of 36 dolls. Yes, folks, 36 freakin’ dolls. Which, according to my finely trained mathematical mind, equals… a sh*tload of money.

I’m tellin’ ya: one Bud Light Lime. That’s all it would take, ladies.


Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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