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2013 Oscars Fashion Police: Hosted by a Mom and a Three-Year-Old

Fashion Police

2013 Oscars Fashion Police: Hosted by a Mom and a Three-Year-Old

Now that my daughter is three, she has opinions on pretty much everything — from what she wears to the songs I’m allowed to sing (not many).  So I thought I would collect her opinions on something that really matters:  what the stars wore to the Oscars.  Our conversations went something like this:

Naomi Watts in Armani Prive

ME:  Oh, wow.  She looks stunning.

THREE-YEAR-OLD:  Not good.

ME: What?  Why?

THREE-YEAR-OLD:  She looks like a robot!  (Falls into fit of giggles.)

Quvenzhane Wallis in Armani Prive


ME:  Doesn’t she look cute?


ME:  You already have SO MANY purses!

THREE-YEAR-OLD:  But they’re getting old.

(True story.)

Jennifer Lawrence in Dior


THREE-YEAR-OLD:  A princess dress!  You and me are princesses, Mom.  You need more princess dresses.

ME:  Where would I wear them?

THREE-YEAR-OLD:  Um…the park.

Salma Hayek in Alexander McQueen

ME:  I’m not a fan of that neckline.  And a tiara on a 40-something woman?  No.

THREE-YEAR-OLD:  Is that her dad?

Helena Bonham Carter in Vivienne Westwood

ME:  Honestly, that’s not all that bad.  At least she’s always entertaining.

THREE-YEAR-OLD:  She’s silly!

Bradley Cooper in Tom Ford


ME:  That hair and that beard — UGH!  He’s ruining it for me.

THREE-YEAR-OLD:  Ru-ing what, Mom?

ME:  Never mind.


Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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