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Top 10 Comebacks for “Ugly Baby” Comments

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Top 10 Comebacks for “Ugly Baby” Comments

We’ve all read them at the bottoms of articles about celebrity babies:  the nasty comments about a child’s looks that usually start off with “I’m sorry, but –” (trust me, they’re never sorry), followed by:  “– that child is NOT cute!”

And I’m like, really?  Although I agree not all kids are blessed in the looks department, I can’t imagine expending the effort to actually WRITE a negative remark about a child.

Now that is ugly.

You can imagine Tia Mowry’s horror when she made the mistake of reading people’s ugly comments about her 14-month-old son, Cree, with one sniping, “Wow that baby is ugly. What the hell happened. Both parents are attractive. Just don’t get it.” Another took the time to write: “You know I’m right, that baby is ugly. That’s why you’re all hyped up about it. Say what you want and don’t act like ugly babies don’t exist. It is what it is. Don’t be mad me. And just b/c I said the baby was ugly, it doesn’t mean he’ll always be that way. Who knows, maybe the kid will eventually grow into his head.”

And who knows, maybe you will eventually stop being a d*ck.

Unable to let the hurtful comments slide, Tia fired back on her Facebook page:  “It’s disgusting that some focus on looks. I brought a beautiful child into this world.”  Couldn’t agree more.  Which brings me to the thrust of this post:  The Top 10 Comebacks for “Ugly Baby” Comments.

10.  At least my baby has hope of growing out of his awkward phase.  How does it feel to have no hope?

9.  “Hi, this is the mother of the baby being discussed.  Thank you for your honest feedback on his looks!  We would love it if you could post YOUR picture so we could return the favor!”

8.  What a lovely thing to say!  Here, let me give you this gift my son left for you in his diaper…

7.  There is nothing more brave or courageous than commenting anonymously on the size of a baby’s head.  Except, perhaps, living in your parents’ basement at 37 years of age.  Kudos to you all-around!

6.  I’m so glad I ran into you!  Saves me the trip of having to go to Rite Aid for a douche.

5.  Regardless of what you say, I am very proud of my child.  Just as your parents must be very proud of — on second thought, never mind.

4.  My baby is beautiful.  …Why?  BECAUSE I SAID SO!  — Mom

3.  My baby may not have inherited my looks, but I’m hoping she did inherit my ability to open a can of whoop-ass.  Here, let me demonstrate…

2.  To all of the moms on this site making fun of my child’s looks, I wish you a thousand years of carpool duty with the brattiest kid in the neighborhood.  BWA-HA-HA-HAAAA!

1.  You’re an asshole.

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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