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Dear Megan Fox: Here is What a REAL Pregnant Lady in Hawaii Looks Like…

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Dear Megan Fox: Here is What a REAL Pregnant Lady in Hawaii Looks Like…

Oh, is this how you’re going to play it, Megan Fox?  Frolicking around Hawaii in your bikini with your adorable bump on display, looking like you just stepped out of a freakin’ Garnier commercial — only this is just you, LIVING YOUR EVERYDAY LIFE.  Hmpf.  You’re killing me here, Megan.  And just when I was starting to like you!  As a female, I am programmed to make knee-jerk catty comments when I see my husband salivating over the mere mention of certain women, but then you called out Michael Bay for being a pig and my cattiness gave way to, well, the idea that I might like to buy you a pitcher of beer and pry more salacious stories out of you.  Because we both know you have them.

But now you’ve gone and gotten yourself pregnant, not even considering how that kills my gossiping-over-beers plan — or how it makes us normal folks feel to see you looking so ridiculously beautiful, even when 4-5 months pregnant.  I mean, the least you could have done for us was gotten afflicted with pregnancy acne.  That would have been the considerate thing to do.  In the meantime, I’m going to pretend you have cankles underneath that skirt.

Coincidentally, I, too, went to Hawaii when I was 3-4 months pregnant.  The only thing I could keep down was white rice and I thought I might be the first woman ever to die of severe morning sickness and an incurably stuffy nose.  In short, a lovely, lovely time.  To combat your gorgeous vacation shots, I thought I would share what a REAL pregnant lady looks like on a Hawaiian vacation:

Yup.  My all-rice diet…?  Obviously went right to my boobs.  Yowza.

So, Megan, if you could just downplay that pregnancy glow and gain a swollen foot or two… well, that would be really thoughtful of you.  Heck, if you do us that favor, I might even spring for the good beer.

Looking forward to that pitcher of non-Bud Light someday,

Candy

 

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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