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A Parent’s Guide to Dressing for the MTV Music Awards

Celebrities

A Parent’s Guide to Dressing for the MTV Music Awards

If any of you parents happen to find yourself with an invitation to next year’s MTV Music Awards (and, hey, why wouldn’t you?) and you’re not sure how to dress appropriately for a show targeted toward people who don’t know what a “VCR” is, then here are some style tips based on the handful of parents who attended last night’s event.

WHO:  Elizabeth Banks, mother of 1-year-old son Felix
STYLE TIP:  Go with a spiderweb-themed outfit because, hey, the kids love watching Spider-Man!  And reading Charlotte’s Web!  And freaking out their parents with fake spiders!

WHO:  Charlize Theron, mother to six-month-old son Jackson
STYLE TIP:  You can never go wrong with being drop-dead gorgeous.

WHO: Kate Beckinsale, mother to 13-year-old daughter Lily
STYLE TIP:  When in doubt, call upon the old wise saying, “The higher the hemline, the closer you are to showing us your baby-maker.”

WHO:  Jodie Foster, mother to 14-year-old Charlie and 11-year-old Kit
STYLE TIP:  If you’re not sure about that structured jacket you threw on at the last minute, distract from it by splashing a confident smile on your face and reminding the kids:  “I TOTALLY KICKED ASS IN ‘SILENCE OF THE LAMBS,’ B*TCHES!  Show some respect.”

And we haven’t forgotten about you dads out there!

WHO:  Chris Hemsworth, father to three-week-old India, and Matthew McConaughey, father to three-year-old Levi and two-year-old Vida
STYLE TIP:  Look cool yet oh-so-casual in a vest or blazer.  But if you want to go with REAL class…

Take a page from Jean-Claude Van Damme’s book and don’t even bother putting much effort into your appearance.  Instead, vie for Father of the Year by twirling your half-dressed 21-year-old daughter around and yelling to the crowd, “Do I hear ten grand?  …All right!  We have ten grand from the former governor of California.  Do I hear fifteen grand?  Fifteen grand for a night with this lovely lady who came from my very own studly loins…”

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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