A Parent’s Guide to Dressing for the MTV Music Awards

If any of you parents happen to find yourself with an invitation to next year’s MTV Music Awards (and, hey, why wouldn’t you?) and you’re not sure how to dress appropriately for a show targeted toward people who don’t know what a “VCR” is, then here are some style tips based on the handful of parents who attended last night’s event.

WHO:  Elizabeth Banks, mother of 1-year-old son Felix
STYLE TIP:  Go with a spiderweb-themed outfit because, hey, the kids love watching Spider-Man!  And reading Charlotte’s Web!  And freaking out their parents with fake spiders!

WHO:  Charlize Theron, mother to six-month-old son Jackson
STYLE TIP:  You can never go wrong with being drop-dead gorgeous.

WHO: Kate Beckinsale, mother to 13-year-old daughter Lily
STYLE TIP:  When in doubt, call upon the old wise saying, “The higher the hemline, the closer you are to showing us your baby-maker.”

WHO:  Jodie Foster, mother to 14-year-old Charlie and 11-year-old Kit
STYLE TIP:  If you’re not sure about that structured jacket you threw on at the last minute, distract from it by splashing a confident smile on your face and reminding the kids:  “I TOTALLY KICKED ASS IN ‘SILENCE OF THE LAMBS,’ B*TCHES!  Show some respect.”

And we haven’t forgotten about you dads out there!

WHO:  Chris Hemsworth, father to three-week-old India, and Matthew McConaughey, father to three-year-old Levi and two-year-old Vida
STYLE TIP:  Look cool yet oh-so-casual in a vest or blazer.  But if you want to go with REAL class…

Take a page from Jean-Claude Van Damme’s book and don’t even bother putting much effort into your appearance.  Instead, vie for Father of the Year by twirling your half-dressed 21-year-old daughter around and yelling to the crowd, “Do I hear ten grand?  …All right!  We have ten grand from the former governor of California.  Do I hear fifteen grand?  Fifteen grand for a night with this lovely lady who came from my very own studly loins…”