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10 Things I Do in My Car Now That I Never Imagined Doing Pre-Kids

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10 Things I Do in My Car Now That I Never Imagined Doing Pre-Kids

Since becoming a mom, my vehicle has not only grown from a two-seat convertible to a mid-sized SUV (*SOB*), but what I find myself doing in my car has also changed dramatically.   Crazy things I never could have even fathomed before having kids.  For example:

10. Heeding the speed limit (without a police car in sight!).

9.  Doing my hair and makeup because it’s the only opportunity I have to look in a mirror.

8.  Leaning over a car seat to nurse my hungry, wailing baby as my husband drives — and barely caring if anyone sees me.  (Oh, hi there, Old Lady and Old Lady’s Husband in the Honda Accord!)

7.  Using the floor of my car as a toy box-slash-waste basket (that rarely gets emptied).

6.  Turning off The Fugees’ “Killing Me Softly” on the radio to honor a rather, um, adamant request for Fresh Beat Band’s “Go Bananas” on CD.

5.  Driving around the same block for an HOUR because I didn’t want to risk waking a napping child.

4.  Actually RESISTING the temptation to swear at and/or give the finger to other drivers.

3.  Changing a dirty diaper in the trunk in the middle of a Home Depot parking lot.  (Fertilizer, anyone?)

2.  Unearthing a sippy cup with milk so old, it was last drunk by Moses.  (True story.)

1.  Crying “How did you guys find me here?!” as my husband and kids knock on the window of the back seat and try to coerce me out of my hiding spot.

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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