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How Do You Say ‘TMI’ in Russian?

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How Do You Say ‘TMI’ in Russian?

I finally arrive at the front of the line at the Rite-Aid pharmacy for my prenatal vitamins, holding onto a toddler with one hand, uncomfortably cradling my monster stomach in the other.  An urge to pee like you wouldn’t even believe.  Seriously.  Don’t try.  You wouldn’t even.  A cash register opens up — and an elderly woman with a walker butts right in front of me.  I say nothing, maturely roll my eyes and mouth “What the f-ck?!” behind her back.  I may or may not have peed my pants a little.

RUDE ELDERLY WOMAN:  [MUTTERS SOME RUSSIAN TO THE PHARMACY ASSISTANT]

KOREAN-AMERICAN PHARMACY ASSISTANT:  Huh?

WOMAN:  [SHOVES A PIECE OF PAPER TOWARD HIM, MUTTERS SOMETHING]

ASSISTANT:  Do you need a recommendation?  Because I’m not a pharmacist.

WOMAN:   [SHAKES HEAD, POINTS TO THE PIECE OF PAPER]

ASSISTANT:  Um, that’s in aisle seven, ma’am.

WOMAN:  [CLEAR ENGLISH]  Take me there.

ASSISTANT:  I have a whole line of people waiting here, ma’am.  I can’t just leave —

WOMAN:  TAKE ME!

ASSISTANT:  [FED UP]  KY-JELLY IS IN AISLE SEVEN.  Seven.  With the LU-BRI-CANTS!

ME:  [START TO GIGGLE, THEN REALIZE:]  Oh my god.  This old lady is having sex and the only thing getting down MY pants these days is a trickle of urine.  Talk about a sobering thought.

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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