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Top 10 Signs You Have Been on Bed Rest Too Long

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Top 10 Signs You Have Been on Bed Rest Too Long

10. Whenever you and/or your toddler need anything — a napkin, food, your butts wiped — you both yell “DA DA!”

9.  You begin to feel so close to Regis and Kelly that you have added them to your birth announcement mailing list.

8.  You develop a vampire-like reaction to sunlight.

7.  Instead of having your husband wash the sheets, which would require getting out of bed, you just ask him to clean around you with the DustBuster.

6.  You have named all the balls of cat hair on your floor and have formed a reading group with them.

5.  There are two grooves in your bed with the inscription, “CANDY’S BUTT WUZ HERE.  FOR A LONG, LONG TIME.”

4.  Your computer gently takes you aside, suggests the two of you “take a break.”

3.  Instead of having dreams about having sex with David Beckham, you have dreams about David Beckham DRIVING YOU TO MCDONALD’S.  (Oh, to get out and have a box of McNuggets!  RAWR!)

2.  Your toddler no longer knows you as “Ma Ma,” but rather “That Weird Lady Who Lies in Bed and Lets Me Cover Her Entire Body in Stickers.”

1.  You joke to your doctor that you’ve only been showering once a week on bed rest, and he takes a long look at you and says, “Oh, it would really do you good to bathe more than that.”  (True story.)

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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