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Top 10 Worst Ways to Pass Time on Bed Rest

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Top 10 Worst Ways to Pass Time on Bed Rest

I got the green light from the doctor to come home on Friday — yay! — and am already officially over this bed rest situation — boo!  After only three days, I can definitively share a few ways I do NOT recommend passing the time in bed:

10.  Googling “horrible, debilitating side effects of bed rest.”

9.  Googling “Is bed rest actually effective in preventing preterm labor?

8.  Googling “How bed rest can drive you insane.”

7.  Googling.  Period.

6.  Heeding your DVR’s advice that you should watch Holly’s World (oy).

5.  Sitting by the window with drool hanging out of your mouth and waving listlessly at the neighbors (on second thought, creeping out the neighbors may be one of my FAVORITE ways).

4.  Making fun of your husband, who now wields all power over your daily menu and, well, LIFE.  (One wisecrack about his pitiful March Madness brackets could mean the difference between being left with a turkey sub versus a celery stick for lunch.  *Gulp*)

3.  Counting the number of cracker crumbs your hungry toddler dropped in your bed over the weekend.  (What number comes after 999 quadrillion?  I don’t even know.)

2.  Listening to the frozen yogurt calling your name from downstairs:  “Candy!  Come gorge on me!  I am sweet and delicious and a welcome change from that celery stick your hubby left for you!”

1.  Calculating the number of hours you likely have left in bed (840 – 2,184 hours… damn you, Google!  Foiled again.).

Thanks to all the readers who have e-mailed and left kind words of support in the comments section.  Means the world to me.  Almost as good as a bowl of frozen yogurt.  *Almost*

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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