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The Best Charlie Sheen Quotes as Interpreted by Our Cats


The Best Charlie Sheen Quotes as Interpreted by Our Cats

“I am dealing with trolls and fools.”

–Charlie Sheen, as interpreted by Matty (R.I.P.)

“I think people mistake my passion for anger.”

–Charlie Sheen, as interpreted by Marcy

“You can’t process me with a normal brain.”

–Charlie Sheen, as interpreted by Lucy

“I have defeated this earthworm with my words… imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists!”

“They picked a fight with a warlock!”

“Duh!  Winning!”

“Rhymes with winning?  That would be us.  Sorry, man, didn’t make the rules.”

“[To join AA], you gotta sit in a room and be all lame.  I’m a winner and they look like losers.”

“I have a ten-thousand-year-old brain, and the boogers of a seven-year-old.”

“I’m fine — I have a plan.”

“And, you know, they lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and look at their loser lives… and then they look at me and they think, ‘I just can’t process it.'”

“There are parts of me that are Dennis Hopper.”

“I’m gonna live my life the way I want, I’m gonna win inside every moment, and they can just find the most comfortable chair in their small house and sit back and enjoy the show.”

And yet another interpretation of “…fools and trolls”:


Inspiration by Medium Large and Laughing Stork reader, Julie

Introspective quotes by Charlie Sheen spewed on most every media outlet on the planet (plus Mars!)

Dramatic interpretations by Marcy, Lucy and Matty (we miss ya, big guy… but your work lives on!)

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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