Hubby Said, Wifey Said: Candy and Mr. Candy Review ‘Everybody’s Fine’

Mr. Candy and I don’t get to the movie theater much now that we have a little one — nay, we NEVER get to the movie theater — so NetFlix and microwave popcorn have become our best friends.  Yes!  It’s all glamour, all the time here at Chez Candy.  We also figured we can’t be the only parents that have been relegated to watching movies on the couch, so why not share our completely baseless reviews of the latest DVDs with you?  A hubby’s perspective versus his wife’s.  Especially given Mr. Candy likes to offer his editorial WHILE THE MOVIE IS PLAYING.  Loudly.  *Ahem*  And now I can tell him to save those insightful opinions for this column.  (Tricky, aren’t I?)

EVERYBODY’S FINE (Guess who picked this one?)

Tagline: Frank wanted the holidays to be picture perfect. What he got was family.

Plot: A widower who realized his only connection to his family was through his wife sets off on an impromptu road trip to reunite with each of his grown children.

Candy: If you do not drink, this movie will drive you to it.  Because it is the most f*cking depressing movie I’ve seen since Leaving Las Vegas — only you almost wish these people WOULD drink themselves into oblivion because they are truly terrible, terrible children.  In addition to brushing their dad aside for a sketchy reason, they accuse him of expecting too much from them.  The dad’s seemingly biggest crime…?  Pushing one of the sons to be an “artist” instead of a “painter.”  Oh, the horror!

Defensive much?  Okay, perhaps I am now that I’m a parent, but C’MON.

Instead of getting the warm chick flick/family movie that I craved, I got an effective form of birth control.  With kids like these, who needs depressants?

The interminable “happy” ending did little to lift my spirits.  Just hand me the Absolut, would ya?

Mr. Candy: “Everybody’s Fine” is nothing what I expected…

I am pretty much amenable to any kind of movie.  Comedy, drama, horror, porn, even the occasional chick flick, you name it.  But what I hate more than anything is sitting down to a movie expecting a lighthearted family comedy and getting a sad depressing story.  It reminds me of a few years ago when I grabbed for my drink thinking it was a Diet Coke and it turned out to be milk.  It was the worst-tasting milk ever.  I like milk, but not when I am expecting effervescent goodness.  Same with this movie, there is no effervescent goodness, only a cold stream of white blandness.

Be warned, not everybody is fine, in “Everybody’s Fine.”  In fact, Robert DeNiro’s kids are downright horrible to him. If I knew that 30 years from now Skylar would act towards me like any of them do to their dear ol’ dad, you can forget about getting that new TMX Elmo, little girl.  Candy always told me that little girls grow up to stay close to their parents while little boys can fall out of touch.  Well, in this movie both sons and daughters leave their poor widower dad alone.

All in all, I think I would have rather watched another episode of “Jack’s Big Music Show” on Nick Jr. On Demand.  I just can’t get that catchy theme song out of my head.