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True Confessions by Candy: Part Two

Candy's Column

True Confessions by Candy: Part Two

You didn’t think I was ever going to post the sequel, did you?  Well, ha, ha.  NEITHER DID I!  Um, what I meant to say was… ha, ha, joke’s on you because HERE IT IS!

Yet more of the weird/awful/embarrassing/silly things I’ve done in the past 18 months:

1.  I became jealous when one of the daycare teachers told me that when she lays on the floor, Skye crawls up to her and gently presses her cheek against hers.

a.  I became happy when, that very same day, I picked up Skye from daycare and she went nuts upon seeing me, practically leaping into my arms — and that same teacher happened to be holding her.

b.  I became mildly irritated when Mr. Candy didn’t understand my jealousy.  “It’s a GOOD thing that Skylar likes her teachers!”  “Yeah, but it’s more important that she makes it clear she LIKES ME BEST.  Duh.”

2.  I have gone as long as five days without washing my hair.  Enough oil on that head to drill, baby, drill!

3.  When Mr. Candy is on the road and I have a particularly hard time getting Skye to sleep at night, the first thing I do when she finally goes down…?  E-MAIL OR CALL MR. CANDY and let him know in excruciating detail just how long it took, how many cries I had to endure and how many gray hairs I sprouted as a result.  I do this to vent, of course, not to make him feel bad or anything.

Okay, you’re right:  maybe to make him feel a little bad.

4.  When Skye’s shriveled, stale-raisin-like umbilical cord stump fell off, I stowed it away… in her jewelry box.  Thinking of using it, along with my pee sticks, to make a lovely charm bracelet!

5.  I often sing “Hush, Little Baby” to Skye at night, but I do not know all of the lyrics.  So I make them up as I go along and, not being very quick on my feet, I frequently hear inappropriate and/or odd sentiments coming out of my mouth:

And if that billy goat is mean,

Mama’s gonna buy you some Lean Cuisine.

And if that Lean Cuisine takes too long,

Mama’s gonna find you an ornate bong.

Sweet, no?  (Hey, at least I’m not giving the kid nightmares by telling her that her cradle’s gonna come CRASHING DOWN from a freakin’ tree!)

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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