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True Confessions by Candy

Candy's Column

True Confessions by Candy

No, that is NOT the title of a Penthouse Forum-type letter, although I’m sure it would be better for site traffic if it were.  Rather, it’s a list of weird/awful/embarrassing/silly things I’ve done in the past 18 months, some of which are so mortifying I’ve never told anybody before — so, hey, why not share them with the whole world now?!  (Why, yes, I have had a glass of wine.  Why do you ask?)

1.  I kept the two home pregnancy tests that revealed I was pregnant with Skye.  The sticks that I PEED on.  The peed-on, nasty sticks that remained underneath the guest bathroom counter for more than 17 months — until my parents visited a couple weeks ago.  At which point I moved them to OUR bathroom.  (Thank goodness I remembered to do so.)

So, who wants to visit?!

2.  Because I am a light sleeper AND the one nursing the baby, I am usually the one who gets up in the middle of the night if Skye cries.  We have the baby monitor next to the bed and, if she so much as blinks, I wake up.  I can’t help it.  Honestly, I have about nine months of sleep to catch up on.  Mr. Candy, on the other hand, can sleep through ANYTHING.  Skye’s cries amplified on the monitor?  Zzzzzzzzzz.  Skye blasting Jay-Z at full volume during the 3AM party in her crib?  Zzzzzzzzzz.

Irritated with (and envious of) his ability to sleep so deeply, I will often return to the bed and PLOP myself down as hard as I possibly can in hopes of waking him, if only for a second.  Like, I will practically jump on that damn bed.  Mean of me, I know, but misery loves company.  However, nine times out of 10…


3.  I once arrived at daycare and realized, in my motherly frenzy, I forgot to buckle Skye into the car seat.  I thought I was going to be ill.

4.  I have not filled out a single page of Skye’s baby book.

5.  I nag Mr. Candy all the time about stupid stuff — something I never did before — because I don’t think anybody can take care of Skye as well as I can.   I mean, really, what was he THINKING, feeding her squash on a Saturday?  OF COURSE WE WERE SAVING SQUASH FOR SUNDAY!  HE RUINED EVERYTHING!

Stay tuned for the oh-so-exciting Part Two of Candy’s True Confessions.  I know you’re on the edge of your seats!  (Somewhere, Mr. Candy is saying, “Zzzzzzzzzz.”)

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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