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The Touch Test

Mr. Candy and I went to our friends’ house for a barbecue this weekend, and I literally stopped in my tracks upon noticing the calla lilies lining their front walkway.  I’m not usually the type to get excited about such things — the beauty of a beer keg gleaming under the sunlight, yes, but not garden-y stuff (as horticulturists call it) — but I sure do love me some calla lilies.  “My favorite!” I squealed.  (If your dog started howling on Saturday around 1:30 PDT, now you know why.  Sorry about that.)  In fact, I had wanted to use calla lilies at our wedding until the florist informed me they cost four-hundred-thousand dollars per flower.  True story.  So I had to settle for buying crepe paper ones on our Mexican honeymoon.  Which are currently collecting dust in our downstairs bathroom.

“I think they’re fake,” Mr. Candy whispered.

Fake flowers?  Stuck in their yard?  Sounds like something the Spears family would do.  But they did look too good to be true.  I gave ’em the official touch test.

“Real,” I confirmed, totally jealous.

When I later complimented our friend on his lovely calla lilies, he looked confused.

“Oh, is that what they’re called?  They just kind of sprang up on their own.”

Hmpf.  And he calls himself a gay man.  Next time instead of bringing chips and dip, I may need to bring a pair of scissors and getaway car.

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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