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The Top 10 Oddest Things My Teachers Ever Said to Me

Candy's Column

The Top 10 Oddest Things My Teachers Ever Said to Me

Now that we have a child, our thoughts and conversations often turn to education — wondering what Miss Skye’s academic strengths are going to be, where she is going to go to school and how in the world she plans to pay for college.  ‘Cause lord knows WE’RE not coughing up $600,000. Mommy and Daddy need a retirement yacht!

Which sometimes leads me to reflect on my own experiences in school — which has led me to think about some of the crazy-ass things teachers have said to me and/or my classes over the years.  (Yeah, um, my mind wanders a bit.)

Which has led me to share those crazy-ass things to you in this list of “The Top 10 Oddest Things My Teachers Ever Said to Me/My Class.

10.  “Whatever you do, you MUST avoid getting pimples around the nose!”  (7th grade Health teacher)

9.  “I used to be pro-choice, but now I believe abortion is totally wrong.” (6th grade teacher… very appropriate subject matter!)

8.  “I cannot allow you to make up this test you’re missing… for state orchestra.”  (12th grade English teacher… because, you know, I was such a bad-ass violist for going to state orchestra!  The principal forced him to let me take the damn test.)

7.  “I don’t really know what to say about the Berlin Conference, so I’m gonna let Dan here teach you about it.”  (10th grade World History teacher-slash-football coach)

6.  “My name is Miss Pencil.”  (Kindergarten teacher, whose name really was Miss Pencil.)

5.  “Candy has lice so she has to go home!  Ha, ha, ha!”  (3rd grade teacher laughing at my plight in front of the entire class, much to my embarrassment.)

4.  “You have diarrhea mouth.”  (12th grade AP History teacher)

3.  “I can’t believe you think Prince is a great musician.”  (College music professor)

2.  “Your mom looks like Medusa.”  (8th grade art teacher re:  the mug I made in my mom’s likeness [her head was molded on the side].  My mom STILL guffaws about that damn mug to this very day.  Thankless, I tell ya!)

And the number-one oddest thing a teacher has ever said to me is…

1.  “Candy?!  What are you, a Snickers Bar?  I will call you CANDACE, and Candace ONLY, thank you very much.”  (1st AND 4th grade teacher — the same woman — who actually ended up being one of my biggest advocates.)

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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