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Getting to Know Each Other

Babies

Getting to Know Each Other

Dear Miss Skye,

It’s been a wild ride these past three months, hasn’t it?  I feel like we’ve forged an unbreakable bond in this short amount of — um, Miss Skye…?  Hello….?  Hey!  Stop staring at that overhead light, please.  I’m talking to you, young lady!

ANYWAY.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, unbreakable bond.

I have already done things for you that I would NEVER do for anyone else.  I’ve had my finger up your nostril.  I’ve kept my breasts on-tap for you, 24/7 — something for which your father has begged for many years, to no avail.  I’ve wiped your green poop-covered butt.  And your green poop-covered back.  And green poop-covered legs.  I’ve spent money on YOUR wardrobe before even thinking about shopping for myself.  There was that whole pushing-you-out-of-my-vagina situation.  I’ve also put my own aspirations on hold.  Did I mention the green poop?

The weird thing is, I embrace it!  Every poop-covered second of it.  Because it’s all part of nurturing you, this tiny, amazing little person who makes my heart burst with a flash of her gummy smile, and helping you unfold.  As a result of having spent almost every minute of your life with you, I feel like I know you as well as I know the dialogue in Pretty Woman.  Yes!  It’s true!  But the woman you know as your mother…?  The bedraggled woman who wears stained tank tops and makes up nonsensical songs about wanting to eat your chunky thighs…?

Well, I feel like you should know there’s more to me than that.

It’s not exactly fair that I should know you so intimately, while you know, well, nothing about the thirtysomething years of quirks and experiences I’ve got under my belt.  To help even the playing field as we get to know each other, I’ve created a list of Top 20 Things You Should Know About Your Mom:

20.  I eat everything out of a bowl.  Even pizza.

19.  One of my biggest regrets is not studying abroad in college.

18.  I was once the assistant to a big-time TV literary agent, who made me crawl on my hands and knees to fetch a bottled water out of a basket that was RIGHT UNDER HER DESK, within her reach.  That was, needless to say, one of my prouder moments.

17.  Whenever people talk to me, I mentally calculate how much their words would be worth in Scrabble.  I sometimes even do this with my own thoughts.  I have done this for more than 15 years.

16.  I really do know almost every word of dialogue in Pretty Woman.

15.  I stripped down naked and almost went swimming in our mall’s water fountain when I was a toddler, much to my mom and sister’s chagrin.  This silly story won fourth place in the National Scholastic Writing Competition’s humorous short story category when I was a senior in high school.

14.  I rarely wear matching socks.

13.  I am not kidding when I sing about wanting to eat your chunky thighs.  Consider yourself forewarned.

12.  The first date your father and I ever had was a New York Jets game (they lost), followed by dinner at the Olive Garden (where you ALWAYS win with the bottomless salad and breadsticks).  I knew your dad was a keeper when he furtively grabbed my hand on the bus ride from the football game back to Manhattan. So. Damn. Sweet.

11.  I cannot stand Victoria’s Secret saleswomen.  I know they are trained to be aggressive, but for the last time, I DO NOT WANT A COMPLIMENTARY EXPERT BRA FITTING!  OR A BAG TO HOLD MY ITEMS AS I WALK AROUND!  OR YOUR HELP, PERIOD!

“Period”:  Worth 9 points in Scrabble.

10.  I didn’t fly on an airplane until I was 22.

9.  I founded a “Save the Whales” club in sixth grade.  While I did care passionately about the endangered blue whale, I cared even more about the cool pink t-shirts we had silk-screened for club members.

8.  I spent most of my 20s going commando.  A visual every daughter wants of her mom, I know.

7.  I gave your father and myself food poisoning the first time I ever cooked for him.  That pretty much sums up my domestic skills.

6.  The reason I chose to play the viola in third grade was because everyone else wanted to play the violin.  One of the best decisions I ever made.

5.  I once told your grandma to “shut up” when I was a teenager.  I still remember the hurt look on her face — and it still makes me feel horrible.

4.  In a college music class, we were asked to select a song that we thought was “genius.”  Most everyone else selected symphonies from Mozart and Beethoven.  I selected “Kiss” by Prince — and received a B- on the assignment.

2.  I didn’t eat Chinese food until I was 17.  Now I eat it at least once a week.

1.  I was so excited when I found out I was pregnant with you, I kept the home pregnancy test.  Which your dad thinks is gross. It is, but I don’t care.

Looking forward to getting to know each other even better over the next, oh, fifty years!

All my love,

Mom (who, I promise, IS wearing underwear… for now)

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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