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Halloween Reflections

Candy's Column

Halloween Reflections

From Halloweens past

When I was a kid, waaaaaay back in the olden days when The New Kids on the Block really were new, Halloween was a holiday when kids were, you know, actually expected to have FUN.  Now maybe this was my impression because I was just a youngin’ and didn’t read all the menacing warnings in the newspaper.  Yes!  We had newspapers back then!  However, I don’t remember the media going so bat-shit crazy about Halloween then as they do today.  I apologize for using such fancy-schmancy journalism terminology, but they are…!  Bat-shit crazy, that is.

If we’re to follow the media’s warnings, our children shouldn’t touch the Halloween candy, eat the Halloween candy or so much as THINK about Halloween candy, or else they will end up obese, cavity-ridden and, most likely, dead from just looking at a pack of Smarties.  In fact, if your child makes the fatal decision to fill up his or her Trick-or-Treat bag with goodies — IDIOT! — a dentist has offered to actually BUY BACK the candy to keep children from consuming Halloween sweets and winding up with cavities.  She calls her campaign “Cash for Candy” and plans pay a dollar for each pound of sugary goodies kids are willing to turn in to her.

If kids are smart, they’ll take her up on the offer and use the money to buy half-priced Halloween candy at Rite-Aid the day after.  That way, they can get the candy they really want, and not those lame-ass Dum Dum Pops.

The only Halloween warning I can recall getting drilled into my young head was:


This is why I make Mr. Candy take the first bite of all of my apples.

Okay, so we were also advised to skip the “Haunted House” tour in our neighbor man’s unmarked van.  But other than that, we were allowed — nay, encouraged — to go to town.  Gorge yourself on those snack-sized Kit Kats!  Suck on those SweeTarts!  Go ahead and run into the walls on your sugar high — it’s all in good fun!   And the next morning, Mom would be waiting with a shot of Pepto, Tylenol and a toothbrush full of Crest.

Those were the days, my friends.

As for THIS Halloween, Mr. Candy, Miss Skye and I are getting dressed up and going to a local carnival, then Trick-or-Treating with my little cousins.  We get to eat Skye’s candy, obviously, so fingers crossed we’re light on the Dum Dums.  I wisely decided to wait until the last minute to try on the costume I’d bought on the Internet, only to discover today that it’s about as flattering as a belted trash bag.  SO… I need to figure something out.  Quickly.  A Halloween update to follow on Monday, of course.

Hope you all have a fun, safe and SUGAR-FILLED Halloween!

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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