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Baby Science With Mr. Candy: Parental Evolution

Mr. Candy

Baby Science With Mr. Candy: Parental Evolution

Baby Science

With Mr. Candy

Today’s Column:  Parental Evolution

All things, with the exception of my hairstyle, must evolve to survive.  So while my own hair may be indisputable proof of creationism (I’ll present the evidence and let you decide) . . .

. . . I still went on my own personal expedition to look for proof of “parental” evolution.  Yes, like Charles Darwin before me with his turtles, I decided to study the species novus homo hominis parentes or, as more commonly known, new parents.

I studied how under the same stimuli, the reaction of these intriguing creatures changed over time.   My findings were fascinating.  So I decided to publish my work in the most esteemed academic journal that I know, The Laughing Stork.  Thus, I offer up my findings for peer review.

Situation 1st Month 2nd Month
Baby starts to cry in the evening. . . “Aw poor thing, I will go get her now.” “Oh no!  Donny Osmond’s dance is about to start… just give me 5 minutes. I think she needs to learn how to self-soothe anyway.” [Turns up volume on TV]*
Baby is quietly sleeping. . . “Let me go check on her again to make sure everything is OK.” Zzzzzzzzz.
8pm in the evening . . . “Bath time!  My turn to give her a bath.” “Didn’t she have a bath last week?  I don’t remember her getting very dirty today.”
Baby’s diaper is dirty. . . “You know I really don’t mind changing a dirty diaper when it is MY baby.” [Touching nose] “Not it!”
Baby’s laundry is full. . . “Time to do the laundry.  Now where is that Dreft?” “Wait a second, isn’t this thing reversible?”
Pacifier falls on the floor. . . “Ooopsie, guess we need to go sterilize it again.” [Looks closely, picks off a cat hair] “Looks clean to me.”
Baby’s bed time. . . “Good night Skylar, I love you.” “Good night Skylar, I love you.”

I guess some things, like my hair, will never change.

*Ed. note:  Please keep in mind this is MR. Candy’s perspective. I would only make the baby wait if it were Gilles Marini dancing.

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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