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Fatherhood is…

Candy's Column

Fatherhood is…

With Father’s Day around the corner, I thought it would be timely to re-post this for all those wonderful dads out there whose wives force them to read this site from time to time…

I know guys don’t often wax poetic about the beauty of parenthood like us chicks are prone to do, so I asked Mr. Candy if he had any thoughts about what “Fatherhood is” to him — and, lo and behold, he had a fantastic list for me in, like, five minutes.  So here it is, guys:  “Fatherhood is…” by my husband (along with a few addenda/interjections from me, as us wives are prone to do).

Fatherhood is having nightmares about the words “Some Assembly Required.”

Fatherhood is having even the toughest day at work melt away when you come home and hear “Daddy!” and get enveloped by tiny little arms.

Fatherhood is giving horsey rides until your back gives out.

Fatherhood is running after your kids on the playground, even if that means stuffing yourself into a tubular slide that was meant for kids half your size.

Fatherhood is being afraid of that day when your kids realize you aren’t perfect.

Fatherhood is hoping that your kids look up to you as much as you looked up to your dad.

Fatherhood is dreading your daughter’s wedding day probably as much as she is dreaming about it.

Fatherhood is realizing that your secret retirement Porsche savings account is destined to pay for college tuition.

Fatherhood is wishing that your kid turns out to be left-handed and can throw a baseball 95 mph.

Fatherhood is watching Phineas and Ferb. . . after your kids go to bed.

Fatherhood is looking forward to Tea Time.

Fatherhood is having 16 years to spend dreaming up ways to intimidate your daughter’s future boyfriend.

Fatherhood is doing everything in your power to make sure your kids grow up fans of your hometown sports teams, even if you now live 3,000 miles away from your hometown.

Fatherhood is finally being able to fulfill your MILF fantasies… only to have exhaustion get in the way.

Fatherhood is being mocked for not knowing the difference between leggings and stockings.  (Seriously, there is a difference?)

Fatherhood is feeling like one of Santa’s elves as you put together toys till 2 a.m. on Christmas Eve.

Fatherhood is never having full control of the TV remote again.

Fatherhood is getting kicked in the back by your irritated wife at 3AM, and willingly taking the abuse, after her fourth breastfeeding session of the night.

Fatherhood is understanding that however you dress the kids, or feed the kids, or play with the kids is NOT how your wife wanted you to do it. Even if it’s exactly how your wife told you to do it.

Fatherhood is boring your colleagues with endless talk about your kids. And not caring when their eyes glaze over.

Fatherhood is gaining a whole new appreciation for your wife, her body and her maternal instincts.

Fatherhood is being the dude in the parking lot with dolls in his backseat.

Fatherhood is feeling pangs of sadness when you’re on a business trip and see other families with small children in the airport.

Fatherhood is having to stop a salesman at Target and ask him, “Where do you keep your nursing pads?”

Fatherhood is not minding when it’s your turn to change diapers because it’s time you get to spend with your kids (not to mention you’ve gotten really good at it).

Fatherhood is swallowing your hurt feelings when your toddler cries, “MOMMY DO IT!” for the hundredth time that day.

Fatherhood is clearing out the beer in your fridge to make space for juice boxes and Dora yogurt.

Fatherhood is sitting on the couch, surrounded by your pajama-clad kids, and thinking, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”

. . .And, two minutes later, having your kids burst into inexplicable tears and scream at the top of their lungs, making you think: “I really wish we still had beer in our fridge.”

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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