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Obama Proposes More School, Making Me Glad I’m No Longer in School

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Obama Proposes More School, Making Me Glad I’m No Longer in School

To help American children catch up with other students around the world, President Obama wants schools to add time to classes, to stay open late and to let kids in on weekends so they have a safe place to go.

Somewhere, a bunch of kids stopped playing Xbox just long enough to say, “HUH?!”

“Now, I know longer school days and school years are not wildly popular ideas,” the president has said. “Not with Malia and Sasha, not in my family, and probably not in yours.  But the challenges of a new century demand more time in the classroom.”

“Our school calendar is based upon the agrarian economy and not too many of our kids are working the fields today,” Education Secretary Arne Duncan said.

It’s clear what you need to do here, kids:  Hop on a tractor!  Grab a plow!  Whatever it takes to avoid more Geometry class.

I kid, I kid… I actually was one of those kids who went to SUMMER SCHOOL FOR FUN!  Needless to say, I was VERY cool.  *AHEM*

The Associated Press talked to Domonique Toombs, whose school is part of a 3-year-old state initiative to add 300 hours of school time in nearly two dozen schools.   When she learned a few years ago she would stay for an extra three hours each day at Boston’s Clarence R. Edwards Middle School, she was less than pleased.

“I was like, `Wow, are you serious?'” she said. “That’s three more hours I won’t be able to chill with my friends after school.”

Yes, I believe that’s the point, young lady.

However, early results of the initiative are positive. Even reluctant Domonique, who just started ninth grade, feels differently now. “I’ve learned a lot,” she said.

Of course, it’s not like today’s kids need to learn how to write complete sentences, anyway — not when they leave school and send texts and Tweets such as, “WTH?  Ur a Tweetard.  Send me the fab deets l8er, k?  BFN.”

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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