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The Laughing Stork

Candy's Column

The Smile

With 3,000 miles separating my mom from her granddaughter, the only way she can survive the distance is by hardening her heart.  “I try not to think about Skylar, to be honest,” Mom admitted to me.  “I know it sounds awful.  But it’s just too hard if I do.”

Poor Mom.  I’ve never made things easy on her.  And, since I no longer have a curfew to miss or college classes to skip (like I was ever going to apply Ethics in real life, anyway), I now torture Mom by softening her heart with the cutest picture EVER:

Yes, Miss Skye smiles!  The first time she flashed those gums at me, I’m fairly certain my own ticker burst into a million pieces.   Just like the passing of Princess Di or the announcement of Bell Biv DeVoe’s reunion tour, I will never forget where I was at that emotional moment:  on the bed, chilling with Miss Skye, first thing in the morning.  I believe I asked her something profound like, “How’s my l’il sweetie-weetie cutie pie?” in a pitch that only dogs can hear.  And she was all, “Sure, you may talk like an idiot, woman.  But I am going to make YOUR LIFE with a smile right now!”

That she did.  Make my life, that is.

So I’m not surprised that The Smile has made my mom lose her resolve.

“I can’t stop looking at that picture of her!”  Mom cried when I sent it to her.  “You need to get your butts back here so I can squeeze those cheeks myself!”

I’ve been cruel enough, so the three of us are indeed flying back to the East Coast next month.  *GULP*  A flight that I look forward to as much as I do the release of Paris Hilton’s second album.  But, hey, traveling with a three-month-old is the least I can do for my mom after squandering her and Dad’s money on that Ethics class.

(Do as I say, not as I do, Miss Skye.)

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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