Jon Gosselin: “I Am Not a Lame Fish!”

If there’s one thing that’s been missing from my life, it’s more details about the Gosselins’ failed marriage.  So thank GOODNESS I can begin filling that void with Jon Gosselin’s latest shocking — just shocking! — marital revelations in an interview with “Good Morning America.”

After eight kids and 10 years of marriage, Jon says he is done with taking “a lot of abuse” from his soon-to-be ex-wife Kate.

“She’ll call me like, almost like a lame fish.  Like I wasn’t going anywhere,” Jon told GMA’s Chris Cuomo in his first television interview since the divorce papers were filed.

Hmmmm… or maybe that’s not exactly what she meant by a flopping “lame fish.”

Jon, 32, said he was always at home with the kids — one set of twins and one of sextuplets — while his wife was traveling.

“Well, excuse me, I’m taking care of the kids. She’s on book tours, she’s doing all these things. You know, she’s gone a week. You know, comes back. Unpacks, repacks, does laundry, packs up and leaves again,” Jon complained. “I’m standing there like, ‘Oh, okay.  Your mom’s gone again.'”

Thankfully, Jon is now able to begin the healing process… by using the money from those book tours to buy lemon drop shots for the local female co-eds.  You go, Jon!