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“Live”-Blogging ‘Toddlers & Tiaras’: The Beautiful Dolls Pageant

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“Live”-Blogging ‘Toddlers & Tiaras’: The Beautiful Dolls Pageant

:05 – Four-year-old Skylar’s mom decides to shave Skylar’s eyebrows because she “hates unibrows!” So she makes Skylar lie down on the bed, where she shaves her daughter’s unsightly brows:

Who needs Chuck E. Cheese’s when you can have THIS kind of fun?!

:06 –  Five-year-old Kailee’s mom admits she spends upwards of $9,000/year on pageants.   But “it’s okay… can’t put a price on something your kid loves to do.”  Wow.  Well, she’d better hope Kailee never decides she “loves” collecting Ferraris.

:07 – Five-year-old Sterling and three-year-old Paris like to use “magic hair”:

Wigs

“Do what you gotta do to be beautiful,” says their mother of the “magic hair.”  I’m sure Nic Cage would agree.

:08 – Skylar’s casual wear for the pageant has a cop theme.  Because I know when I want to be casual, I often wear a blinged-out police uniform that says “Bad Cop, No Donut” on the back.

:12 – Sterling gets her first “flipper” — aka false teeth — because she’s lost some teeth. “The smile has to be flawless or you don’t even have a chance,” reveals her mom.  When Sterling talks with the uncomfortable flipper in her mouth, she looks like Larry King with his dentures.  Flawless, indeed!

:14 – Mom tells Skylar during their daily practice session: “That [performance] was boo-rrring.”  With encouragement like that, who needs the media to make you feel bad about yourself?

:16 – Skylar’s dad admits he’s — GASP! — not a fan of pageants: “Don’t know if mothers are doing it for their kids or doing it for themselves.  I know this seems mean, BUT… oftentimes it seems a lot of the mothers are extremely overweight and not very healthy.”

Well, that’s just rude.

:19 – Sterling and Paris’s mom promises she won’t push them too hard — then tells the girls, “We’re going to kill [the competition] – KILL them!”

:26 – Wearing “Go Sterling/Go Paris” t-shirts, the girls’ family says a prayer:  “Please help my girls so they can bring home the crown.”  Let’s hope God isn’t too distracted by war and famine to answer their prayers!

:31 – Kailee tells another girl she is the “most prettiest girl” and she “hopes she does good on stage.”  Yeah, Kailee needs to stop with the niceties already and kick up the bitchiness a notch.

:35 –  Pageant time!  And… uh-oh.  Skylar’s routine is “off.”  Thankfully, Skylar’s mom handles it with grace and understanding…

…No!  I kid!  She’s an uptight mess.

:46 – As you can see, the routines are natural and laid-back:

:47 – Kailee sees “all the smaller crowns” and cries:  “I don’t WANT a smaller crown!  If they give me one, I’ll be so mad.”  At least the kids are learning about graciousness.

:54 – OMG!  Did that mom really just say “OMG?!”

:56 — Didn’t Paris and Nicky Hilton wear these outfits last Halloween?

:59   And the winner of the Ultimate Grand Supreme and five-hundred bucks is…

Alyceaundra!

Hell, I’ll give the kid another five-hundred bucks if she can spell her freakin’ name.

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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