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Top 10 Signs You Are SO Done With This Pregnancy

Candy's Column

Top 10 Signs You Are SO Done With This Pregnancy

10.  You walk by a homeless man who whistles, “You’re obviously carrying twins!  Congrats!”  (Thank you for that, Mr. Homeless Man.  Did wonders for my ego.)

9.  You have permanently changed your address to “The Bathroom, Los Angeles, CA”

8.  You’ve replaced chugging water with chugging a delicious concoction of spicy castor oil, pineapple juice and raspberry leaf teaA spicy castpineberry-tini, please! Mmmmm.

7.  You can practically hear your baby yell, “Not in front of ME, you pervert!” any time you so much as think about having sex.

6.  You can practically hear your husband sigh, “Um, do we HAVE to?” any time you so much as think about having sex.

5.  You find yourself having long, tearful conversations with your pre-maternity wardrobe:  “We WILL be reunited one day, my long lost friends.  Oh yes, one day.”

4.  You actually RELISH the thought of getting painful, drop-to-your-knees-in-screaming-agony labor cramps.

3.  You would be richer than Oprah if you had a dollar for every time somebody said, “It feels like you’ve been pregnant FOREVER!”

2.  You have added Trojan condoms and Ortho Tri-Cyclen to your baby registry.

1.  In a particularly disturbing turn of events, you’ve gotten tired of waiting to see what the baby looks like in her cute clothes… so you TRY THEM ON YOUR STOMACH:

Awwww.  Doesn’t she just look PRECIOUS in her onesie?”

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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