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A Father’s Day Message from Mr. Candy: The Top Ten Things I Learned NOT to Do During Pregnancy

Mr. Candy

A Father’s Day Message from Mr. Candy: The Top Ten Things I Learned NOT to Do During Pregnancy

For the, um, five or so men who read this site, and for the hubbies/partners/dads of the REST of you, I asked Mr. Candy to prepare a “Top Ten” list in honor of Father’s Day.  And Mr. Candy, as you’ll read, has wisely learned to indulge my requests during this hormonal time…

The Top Ten Things I Learned NOT to Do During Pregnancy
By Mr. Candy

On Father’s Day, my gift to all of you soon-to-be Daddies is the wisdom I gained, often at a painful price, of what NOT to do if you want to avoid getting smacked by your Baby Mama.

10. Never look at what seems to be a new maternity “shirt” and ask, “Didn’t you used to have a dress that looked like that?”

9. Never say “whoa!” when you see her in profile for the first time.

8. Never eat the last of the Ben and Jerry’s Cookie Dough Frozen Yogurt, especially if it is after the grocery store closes.

7. Never come home tipsy one evening after drinks with co-workers and say, “If only you were there to be the designated driver, I could have used the cab fare money for another martini!”

6. Never question why she needs an orange flavored Slurpee and a 1lb bag of Sour Patch Kids at 11:15pm on a Tuesday night, she just does.

5. Never make beeping noises when she backs up . . . never.   It’s just not a good idea.

4. Never share stories about how you were a 10lb, 8oz baby and your mother had 18 hours of labor, especially if you are laughing while you are doing it.

3. Never question if she will “fit” in the backseat of a car.

2. Never tell her she is hogging the covers and making it difficult for you to sleep at night.

And the #1 thing NOT to do is. . .

1. Never use the pronouns we, us, or our in reference to her being pregnant.

Happy Father’s Day Everyone!

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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