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Pacifiers Gone Terribly, Terribly Wrong


Pacifiers Gone Terribly, Terribly Wrong

My brother and sister are 13 and 11 years older than I am, respectively.  When my mom became pregnant with me — SURPRISE! — and told my siblings the news, they apparently laughed and said, “Yeah, right.”  So Mom cried.


Eventually Dave and Angie got over their shock.  Last year, I believe?  (When they realized I would NOT stop attending family holiday get-togethers.)  And from what I can gather from old photo albums, they had WAY too much fun dressing me up in humiliating outfits, often accessorized with unflattering red-rimmed glasses.  The abuse I took, I tell ya.

Could have been worse, I suppose.  I’m just thankful they weren’t armed with these creepy-looking pacifiers I came across on the Web:

The Lisa Rinna Special.

Flavor Flav approves.  Now baby just needs a big clock around his neck, and Brigitte Nelson on his arm.

An orthodontist’s dream come true.


“I vant to suck your teat…”

Okay, I really wish I hadn’t posted this right before bedtime.  As if my pregnancy dreams weren’t weird enough…

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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