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Live-Blogging “The Real Housewives of New York”

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Live-Blogging “The Real Housewives of New York”

:02 — Mario berates Jill about last week’s joke of a tennis match.  “Jill, Jill, Jill!” he scolds in an octave so high, I could swear Jill’s gay friend Brad is squeezing his balls.  Mario implores Jill to “trust” him to pick a tennis partner for her next time.

As if anyone would trust a guy with THAT hair.

:04 — Bethenny wants to amend Ramona’s “Cosmo Dating Rules” to include this pearl of wisdom:  “Think of my vagina as a vase; if you want to have sex with me, send me flowers.”  Oh honey, the bloom fell off that rose a long time ago.

:05 —  Lame request for coochie carnations aside, I’ve gotta hand it to Bethenny:  she does one hell of an impression of Kelly.

Kelly and Max

:06 — Omigod.  Kelly is dating Gaston from “Beauty and the Beast!”

:08 — Ramona is developing a skincare line, brags that she has been using skin cream for years — and knows that’s why she looks good for her “chronological age.”  Um, I guess that’s opposed to the age she tells people, which conveniently goes backward.

:09 — Ramona goes on to say she hasn’t been thrilled with any of the skin products out there, which is why she worked with a “fabulous” chemist to develop a new formula.  And yet it’s supposedly because of those very products that she “looks so good for her chronological age?”  Crazy Eyes needs to get her story straight.

:11 — Bethenny goes to an A&P in Greenwich to promote her line of SkinnyGirl goodies.  Free cupcakes and muffins!  Which… nobody at the store wants.  What the hell is wrong with these people?  I’m a total sample whore.  Free cupcakes?  Free cheese?  Free motor oil?  I’ll eat it!

:18 — The Countess thinks she has a lot to impart to readers in her new book about manners.  Says she really wants to reprimand people who talk too much… as she jabbers on and on and on….

Kelly

:26 — Kelly raves that one of best things about NY is running with the taxis.  Yeah, I’m sure they just love that, too.  But I can’t deny it:  her legs are sick.  Too bad they’re about to get run over in 3…2…

:31 — Ever mindful of people suffering in this economy, Jill is thoughtfully “going moderate” for her birthday this year.  So she’s only treating herself to a $16,000 bag!  A real altruist, this one.

:34 — Countess goes to the publisher to discuss her book.  She (once again) take a moment to revel in her “Countess” title, says meeting the Count was “a dream.”

*HAPPY SIGH*  Her divorce announcement truly could not have come at a better time.

:35 — Traditional Home magazine comes to Jill’s apartment to shoot the new, seemingly Liberace-inspired interior design.  “It’s a real honor,” says Jill.  Right on cue, Ginger poops on the carpet.

:37 — Jill jokingly asks reporter if they flew to NY in a “PP” — which apparently means “personal plane.”  PP!  Ha!  … Get it?  Yeah, me neither.  However, Jill doubles over in laughter and thinks she’s hilarious:  “A little humor… that’s who Jill Zarin is.  I’m funny.”

:38 — Jill Zarin is also a cross between Joy Behar and Baby from “Dirty Dancing.”

:42 — Ramona tells Bethenny the only reason Jill is nice to her is because she’s “the underdog.”   “You’re struggling, you need help — and she likes that.”

Bethenny is pissed

“Whatchoo talkin’ about, Ramona?”

:48 — Bobby surprises Jill with a new Mercedes SUV.   Wow.  Jill is thrilled!

:49 — Turns out, the vehicle doesn’t work with the iPhone, only an iPod.  Jill hates it!

:51 — Simon surprises Alex for her birthday with a limo, flowers and jewelry…

:53 — The limo driver takes the wrong path and Simon doesn’t overreact AT ALL:  “Your surprise is fucking ruined!  Fuck, fuck, fuck!”  That surprise…?  Uh, they’re going home to have birthday cupcakes.  Simon continues:  “Your surprise.  RUINED!  Fuck!”

Alex

My sentiments exactly.

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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