:02 — Mario berates Jill about last week’s joke of a tennis match. “Jill, Jill, Jill!” he scolds in an octave so high, I could swear Jill’s gay friend Brad is squeezing his balls. Mario implores Jill to “trust” him to pick a tennis partner for her next time.
As if anyone would trust a guy with THAT hair.
:04 — Bethenny wants to amend Ramona’s “Cosmo Dating Rules” to include this pearl of wisdom: “Think of my vagina as a vase; if you want to have sex with me, send me flowers.” Oh honey, the bloom fell off that rose a long time ago.
:05 — Lame request for coochie carnations aside, I’ve gotta hand it to Bethenny: she does one hell of an impression of Kelly.
:06 — Omigod. Kelly is dating Gaston from “Beauty and the Beast!”
:08 — Ramona is developing a skincare line, brags that she has been using skin cream for years — and knows that’s why she looks good for her “chronological age.” Um, I guess that’s opposed to the age she tells people, which conveniently goes backward.
:09 — Ramona goes on to say she hasn’t been thrilled with any of the skin products out there, which is why she worked with a “fabulous” chemist to develop a new formula. And yet it’s supposedly because of those very products that she “looks so good for her chronological age?” Crazy Eyes needs to get her story straight.
:11 — Bethenny goes to an A&P in Greenwich to promote her line of SkinnyGirl goodies. Free cupcakes and muffins! Which… nobody at the store wants. What the hell is wrong with these people? I’m a total sample whore. Free cupcakes? Free cheese? Free motor oil? I’ll eat it!
:18 — The Countess thinks she has a lot to impart to readers in her new book about manners. Says she really wants to reprimand people who talk too much… as she jabbers on and on and on….
:26 — Kelly raves that one of best things about NY is running with the taxis. Yeah, I’m sure they just love that, too. But I can’t deny it: her legs are sick. Too bad they’re about to get run over in 3…2…
:31 — Ever mindful of people suffering in this economy, Jill is thoughtfully “going moderate” for her birthday this year. So she’s only treating herself to a $16,000 bag! A real altruist, this one.
:34 — Countess goes to the publisher to discuss her book. She (once again) take a moment to revel in her “Countess” title, says meeting the Count was “a dream.”
*HAPPY SIGH* Her divorce announcement truly could not have come at a better time.
:35 — Traditional Home magazine comes to Jill’s apartment to shoot the new, seemingly Liberace-inspired interior design. “It’s a real honor,” says Jill. Right on cue, Ginger poops on the carpet.
:37 — Jill jokingly asks reporter if they flew to NY in a “PP” — which apparently means “personal plane.” PP! Ha! … Get it? Yeah, me neither. However, Jill doubles over in laughter and thinks she’s hilarious: “A little humor… that’s who Jill Zarin is. I’m funny.”
:38 — Jill Zarin is also a cross between Joy Behar and Baby from “Dirty Dancing.”
:42 — Ramona tells Bethenny the only reason Jill is nice to her is because she’s “the underdog.” “You’re struggling, you need help — and she likes that.”
“Whatchoo talkin’ about, Ramona?”
:48 — Bobby surprises Jill with a new Mercedes SUV. Wow. Jill is thrilled!
:49 — Turns out, the vehicle doesn’t work with the iPhone, only an iPod. Jill hates it!
:51 — Simon surprises Alex for her birthday with a limo, flowers and jewelry…
:53 — The limo driver takes the wrong path and Simon doesn’t overreact AT ALL: “Your surprise is fucking ruined! Fuck, fuck, fuck!” That surprise…? Uh, they’re going home to have birthday cupcakes. Simon continues: “Your surprise. RUINED! Fuck!”
My sentiments exactly.