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Youth Soccer Coach Promotes Healthy Competition with “Losing is for Losers” Mantra

In the News

Youth Soccer Coach Promotes Healthy Competition with “Losing is for Losers” Mantra

Losing is for losers!A Massachusetts youth soccer coach who dubbed his team of 6- and 7-year-old girls “Green Death,” urging them to eat “undercooked red meat” (ed. note:  mmm-mmm, good) and win at all costs has quit after his preseason manifesto shocked parents and league officials.

Green Death?  He should have been fired immediately.  I mean, I think everyone can agree “Satan’s Spawn” would have made a much catchier name.

“I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers,” Michael Kinahan — who’s clearly been reading “The Simon Cowell Guide to Competition” — wrote in a letter to the kids.

“Kill ‘Em” Kinahan’s welcoming letter also compelled his players to be ready to hit the pitch playing like a “Michael Vick pit bull,” adding that players should prepare for “bumps, bruises and even bleed a little” — and vowed to “heckle” the young referees… which apparently wouldn’t be the first time he’s done so.

“He chewed out a 12-year-old so bad last year she said she won’t referee anymore,” claims Scituate Youth Soccer board member Chris Park.

Good for you, coach!  Takes a big man to take on a pre-adolescent girl.  Or, more likely, a tiny man.

Despite resigning, Coach Kinahan has not backed down — because he’s a WINNER, dammit! — saying his letter was intended to be a mix of “suburban satire” and a challenge to compete.

“I stand by my comments. This isn’t two hours of free babysitting,” Coach Kinahan declared.

An appropriate attitude for youth soccer?  Um, perhaps not.  But the Detroit Lions’ coaching staff should definitely sign this guy up.

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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