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Candy's Column

23 Weeks

23 Weeks


Today marks my 23rd week of pregnancy.  Frankly, I have no clue how many months that equals.

“Then you must be an idiot!” you are undoubtedly shouting at the picture of me and my ever-growing bump.

With this, I cannot argue.

By my uncertain calculations, I am about five months along.  However, according to What to Expect When You’re Expecting — which SHOULD be called Scaring the Hell Out of Pregnant Women with Worst-Case Scenarios and Having a Good Laugh at Their Expense — I am already well into my sixth month.

Well, okay.

They’re the so-called experts, so I guess I’ll just accept their chart without questioning it… much like I did with my AP English teacher’s interpretation of A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man — which apparently symbolizes the gestation of a soul and, therefore, James Joyce’s new principle of order.

Well, okay.

I know what you’re thinking and, yes, today also marks Baby Girl’s evolution into a large mango.  Every week I look up baby’s new developments on, a site that likens my child to fruits and vegetables.  Which amuses my mom to no end.  “This week, your baby is the size of a baked potato!”  “You have a banana-sized baby gestating in there!”  Last week, she was apparently a spaghetti squash.

No wonder I’m always so hungry.

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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