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I Believe the Children’s Hair is Our Future

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I Believe the Children’s Hair is Our Future

I certainly do not wish to cause widespread panic, but I am hereby warning the public to be on the lookout for babies sporting bad toupées:

The Donald

I base this warning on an alarming increase in Web sites selling hair weaves and toupées for the 12-months-and-under set.   This phenomenon should cause extreme concern on the part of anyone who is familiar with Burt Reynolds, whose toupée squeezed his head so tightly, he actually agreed to do “Striptease.”

My God.  STRIPTEASE, people!  If that doesn’t send a shudder down your spine, I don’t know what will.

Even more astoundingly, our $787 billion economic stimulus package doesn’t allot a single penny toward researching the deleterious effects these weaves will have on babies.  Other than the obvious humiliation, of course.  The president keeps talking about investing in our future — well, this IS our future!  And it’s currently shrouded in a miniature-sized skull cap of acrylic hair.

We definitely should have some kind of contingency plan for stopping these dangerous baby weave pushers.  Our best deterrent is probably to lock them in a room with “Striptease” playing on loop.

Toupée gallery:

toupeetoupee2toupee3

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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