I certainly do not wish to cause widespread panic, but I am hereby warning the public to be on the lookout for babies sporting bad toupées:
I base this warning on an alarming increase in Web sites selling hair weaves and toupées for the 12-months-and-under set. This phenomenon should cause extreme concern on the part of anyone who is familiar with Burt Reynolds, whose toupée squeezed his head so tightly, he actually agreed to do “Striptease.”
My God. STRIPTEASE, people! If that doesn’t send a shudder down your spine, I don’t know what will.
Even more astoundingly, our $787 billion economic stimulus package doesn’t allot a single penny toward researching the deleterious effects these weaves will have on babies. Other than the obvious humiliation, of course. The president keeps talking about investing in our future — well, this IS our future! And it’s currently shrouded in a miniature-sized skull cap of acrylic hair.
We definitely should have some kind of contingency plan for stopping these dangerous baby weave pushers. Our best deterrent is probably to lock them in a room with “Striptease” playing on loop.