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The Pregnancy News Reaction Awards

Candy's Column

The Pregnancy News Reaction Awards

MOST UTTERLY DISAPPOINTING REACTION GOES TO…

Mr. Candy!

CANDY:  So, honey, I took a pregnancy test today and — I’m pregnant!

MR. CANDY:  Oh my God.  (TURNS PALE)  That’s scary.

MOST DRAMATIC RESPONSE IN A CRACKER BARREL RESTAURANT GOES TO…

Candy’s Mother-in-Law!

Candy’s MIL opens her Christmas card.  An ultrasound picture falls out.  A moment of silence, then:

CANDY’S MIL:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Candy’s MIL jumps up from the table in the middle of the Cracker Barrel, hopping up and down and fighting back tears of joy.  Other diners stare, then return to eating their Hickory Smoked Country Ham.

MOST BACKHANDED BEST WISHES FROM A READER GOES TO…

The reader who e-mailed THIS to me:

“Congratulations on/to/for your pregnant self. Because, I know, you would not have allowed yourself to become this unless you wanted to do this.”

Um, thanks?

REACTION THAT LEAST WENT ACCORDING TO PLAN GOES TO…

Candy’s Mom!

CANDY:  (SITTING ON HER MOM’S BED)  So… do you think you’d visit us in L.A. more often if you had a little grandchild out there?

CANDY’S MOM:  [INSERT DUMB STARE HERE]

CANDY:  (TEARS OF JOY STREAMING)  I’m pregnant!

CANDY’S MOM:  Huh?  What?  YOU — pregnant?!

CANDY:  Yes.  Me.  Pregnant.

CANDY’S MOM:  [INSERT DUMB STARE HERE]

RESPONDENT MOST LIKELY TO HAVE THE BABY NAMED AFTER HER IS…

The server at the Brandy Library bar/lounge in Tribeca!

Candy announces to her friends that she’s pregnant.  Moments later, the server brings Candy free celebratory dessert and instantly becomes Candy’s Favorite Person Ever.

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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