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Don’t You Dare Write That in Your Column!

Candy's Column

Don’t You Dare Write That in Your Column!

It’s critical to be surrounded by a sensitive support team during pregnancy. Your emotions are raging so hard, you have a nervous breakdown when the Coffee Bean barista inadvertently uses soy milk instead of skim in your chai latte. (Trust me, the asshole will never make THAT mistake again.) Your stomach is bigger than Kanye West’s ego. And, oh yeah, LIFE AS YOU KNOW IT IS ABOUT TO CHANGE FOR-EVAH. Buh-bye, sleep and sanity!


So color me fortunate to have a mom who’s there for me in these delicate times. A sampling from this morning’s touching phone conversation:

ME:  (WITH GREAT EXCITEMENT)  I’m really starting to look pregnant!


ME: Yeah, my old clothes are getting too tight. Although my maternity clothes don’t look cute on me yet —

CANDY’S MOM: Oh, Candy. They’re never going to look cute on you. [PAUSE] Don’t you dare write that in your column!

Later in the conversation…

ME: (WITH SLIGHTLY LESS EXCITEMENT) We bought a prenatal heart monitor at Target yesterday. It’s so cool — you can hear the baby kick!

CANDY’S MOM: A heart monitor? Must be nice to be rich. [PAUSE] Don’t you dare write that in your column!

And even later…

ME: (WITH TOTALLY REPRESSED EXCITEMENT) I’ve been playing Mozart and Telemann for the baby…

CANDY’S MOM:  Good lord.

ME:  Well, um, I hear it’s good for them…

CANDY’S MOM:  Oh yeah? And which baby ever confirmed that? [PAUSE] Don’t you dare write that in your column!

And people wonder where I get my smart-ass gene from.  Hmmmmmm.

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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