Ed. note: This is the author’s first time watching “The Wiggles.” Due to some seemingly acid trip-induced dance routines featured in the program that will haunt you in your dreams, viewer discretion — and a strong drink — are advised.
8:31 a.m. — Whoa. Clearly, good drugs were involved in the making of this opening.
:31 — I suspect these men have some lonely Friday nights at home with their cats.
:32 — Why did the show just randomly slip into Spanish dialogue? I’m confused enough, as it is.
:32 — This kid is about to kill his agent.
:36 — The princess kind of dances like I do after a few margaritas. Which is to say, not well.
:36 — Yeah, we get it. She lived in a “big, high tower… big, high tower… big, high tower.” Even the baby in my belly thinks it’s time for you to move on.
:37 — The princess slept for a hundred years? Color me jealous. I’d be happy with a hundred seconds these days.
:38 — Is it just me, or does the “gallant prince” look like Screech from “Saved by the Bell?” They sure don’t make gallant princes like they used to.
:39 — The prince wakes the princess with a kiss… on her hand. After a hundred years of being asleep, I’m sure she was hoping for more action than that.
:41 — I really don’t think we should be assaulting young children’s ears with accordion music.
:42 — Okay, who wants to tell Dorothy the Dinosaur that the 1780s called, and they want their hat back? (*FINGER TO NOSE* Not it!)
:42 — Dorothy talks about “who has the biggest feet.” Somewhere, Paris Hilton’s ears are ringing.
:44 — All the dudes line up to see who has the biggest feet. You know what they say about big feet… I call dibs on the winner.
:45 — … It’s this guy? Um, never mind.
:45 — Poor Jeff has the smallest feet. He really shouldn’t mention that on his Match.com profile.
:48 — Anthony asks us what he’s wearing. A question we’ve all been asking ourselves.
:49 — Murray says he thinks Anthony is wearing ballet slippers — when he’s clearly wearing farmer’s boots. Murray isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, is he? (What’s that? Murray was joking? Oh, hush.)
:50 — Anthony goes to plant some corn — which, as we all know, is an important ingredient in many tasty vodkas. I knew Disney was full of lushes!
:52 — It’s “time to say good-bye.” Until my kid is born, of course, and I’m forced to watch this show — I’m just estimating here — ten billion and four times. Yay for me. Really. Yay.