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Top 10 Things My Parents Taught Me

Candy's Column

Top 10 Things My Parents Taught Me

Important life lessons that I will, no doubt, pass down to my daughter and son…

10.  Medicine:  1)  “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way!”  2)  If you don’t stop cracking your knuckles, you’re going to get arthritis.  Or worse — big knuckles!”  BONUS (courtesy of my dad):  “If you don’t drink more water, your insides are going to shrivel up and they’re going to have to cut you open!”

9.  Poetry:  “Your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower.”

8.  Suspense:  “Can you guess what I found in your closet today?”

7.  Optimism:  “You are going to enjoy yourself at that Girl Scout Camp you begged to go to, or I am going to hit you upside the head.”

6.  Finance:  “Turn off the lights.  We don’t own stock in the electric company.”

5.  Entomology:  “Keep your mouth open like that, and you’re going to catch bugs.”

4.  Genealogy:  “I’m not Sarah’s mother.  I’m YOUR mother.”

3.  Culinary Arts:  “How would you like a knuckle sandwich?”

2.  Realism:  “Be good. But if you can’t be good, be careful.”

1.  Justice:  “If you ever have kids, I hope they act just like you.”

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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