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You Might Be an L.A. Mom If…

Candy's Column

You Might Be an L.A. Mom If…

An LA mom’s rare day without the nanny, the nanny’s nanny and her Botox needle.

I recently came across an article titled “You might be an L.A. Mom If” — and, being an L.A. mom myself, I clicked on it out of curiosity and the hope I would get a few chuckles out of it.  It turned out to be more insulting than funny; one of the signs was that your nanny’s nanny needs a vacation because she’s getting a facelift (or something like that), which led me to wonder:  Is that how the world views us Los Angeles moms?  As if we’re all Kardashian sisters?  If so, I TOTALLY blame Ryan Seacrest (he’s the one who put those creatures on the air, after all).  Also, I want to be the one to clear something up:  I am NOT a Kardashian, although Kandy Kardashian really does have a ring to it.  I don’t even have a single nanny, let alone a nanny’s nanny with an apparently sagging face.  However, I will admit that Los Angeles moms do have certain quirks.  Quirks I’ve listed here for your entertainment:

You Might Be an L.A. Mom If…

  • You’ve ever traveled to the East Coast during winter and muttered expletives because you can’t figure out how to secure a kid in a car seat with such a “HUGE F*CKING COAT ON!  OH MY GOD, HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE LIKE THIS?!”
  • Your child was not allowed to play outside at preschool today because the temperature had dipped all the way down to 55 degrees!
  • Your child was not allowed to play outside at preschool today because the temperature had soared to a potentially life-threatening 85 degrees!
  • A sales associate at the children’s clothing store tells you, “Sorry, I’ll be right back.  I have to let Denise Richards in through the back door to avoid the paparazzi.” (True story.)

 

  • Your kids frequently complain, “It’s too sunny!”  (Poor dears.)
  • Your three-year-old daughter asks if there is any way to make it snow at your house “without all the cold.”
  • You LOVE end-of-summer clothing sales, because your kids can wear summer stuff through the fall (and sometimes beyond).
  • Your kid was put on the preschool waiting list because “Gwen Stefani’s son might decide to matriculate here.  Or not.  But we promised to keep the spot open for him.”
  • You’ve had to pull your car off the road, with the kids in the backseat, because it actually started to rain and you realized YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE YOUR WINDSHIELD WIPERS ARE.
  • You find yourself frequently asking your toddler, “Do you have poop in your diaper?  …No?  How ’bout sand?”

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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