Connect with us

The Laughing Stork

Screw You, 2012 (Meaning: Happy New Year!)

Candy's Column

Screw You, 2012 (Meaning: Happy New Year!)

My reaction to 2012 is, I imagine, the same as Paris Hilton’s upon seeing her old pal Kim’s pregnancy news splashed across every media outlet:  “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST MAKE IT GO AWAY!”

You see, my year ended with less of a bang, more of a wince.  December slapped me upside the head over and over and over again.  It was the Moe to my Curly.  The swinging door to the face of my clueless-but-adorable Three’s Company character.  The… well, it just sucked.

I watched helplessly as my 18-month-old son battled a potentially fatal respiratory virus in the hospital (longest 30 hours of my life).  I came home, only to unexpectedly have to put our beloved cat of eleven years to sleep that same night.  I rescued a sweet one-year-old cat from a shelter soon thereafter, only to have HER die a few days later from a virus she had apparently contracted on the streets.

I mean, really?

We received that news on New Year’s Eve.  I was determined to shake it off and enjoy a rare date night with Mr. Candy while my mother-in-law watched the kids.  But even that night was a comedy of inconveniences, with me discovering that my three-year-old had left one of my pumps at my parents’ house (after wearing it, along with one of her dad’s sneakers, for the better part of our visit with them), and stepping into the shower at my mother-in-law’s house…to be greeted by ice-cold water after my husband had used up all of the water above 33 degrees with his shower.

My reaction to that cold water hitting my body was, I imagine, the same as Paris Hilton attempting to read a three-syllable word:  A series of surprised, incoherent grunts.

The silver lining of seeing your child in the hospital, processing the gut-wrenching news of a school shooting and having two pets pass away in the span of a few weeks:  You realize that having to wear casual boots with your cocktail dress is hardly the end of the world.  Nor is 12/12/12, as it turns out.

Taking time off from the site helped me recharge the batteries.  I enjoyed time with the family, took stock of the many, many things for which I have to be thankful, and sat back and smiled as I said:   Screw you, 2012Screw you.

See?  I already have a healthier attitude.

Belated Happy New Year, everyone!  With special thanks to Kim and Kanye for their pregnancy news.  That is truly a special gift you are giving to us humorists… er, I mean, to yourselves.  *Ahem*

Continue Reading
You may also like...

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

More in Candy's Column

To Top