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Well, One of the “Kate Middleton is Pregnant!” Rumors Finally Panned Out


Well, One of the “Kate Middleton is Pregnant!” Rumors Finally Panned Out

Kate Middleton is, indeed, pregnant this time.

After approximately ten million and fourteen pregnancy rumors (fueled by her habit of placing her hand on her stomach, which she is doing in pretty much every photo of her in Google images) since getting married last year, the Palace has confirmed that the Duchess and Wills are expecting a baby.  This is good news for giddy “Royal Watchers” and my husband, who has said on numerous occasions that he finds Kate attractive, if only “she would put on a few pounds.”

Your wish is about to come true, my love.

Kate is currently resting in the hospital for a couple of days because she is suffering from Hyperemesis Gravidarum — or, as us commoners say, “suck-ass morning sickness” (SAMS).  When I suffered from SAMS with my second pregnancy, I spent most of my days on the bathroom floor with a toddler straddling my back because she thought I was playing horsey.  (Seriously, I lost ten pounds in two weeks and was severely dehydrated because I couldn’t even keep down water.  Oh, good times!)  But I guess that’s what you get when you’re known as the Queen of Margaritas instead of the Duchess of Cambridge.

Congrats, you crazy kids!  As everybody told me when I was pregnant, enjoy the peace and quiet while you can.  Because I’m sure the paparazzi will keep their distance and respect your privacy during this special time.  In fact, we probably won’t hear another word about the pregnancy until you give birth!


Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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