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Top 10 Explanations for Beyonce’s Questionable “60-Pound Weight Loss”


Top 10 Explanations for Beyonce’s Questionable “60-Pound Weight Loss”

During a recent concert Beyonce told fans, “I had to lose 60 pounds. They had me on that treadmill. I ate lettuce!  Now tonight I’m gonna get chocolate wasted!”   But people are buzzing — just as they were about her baby bump’s disappearing act — that she didn’t have 60 pregnancy pounds to lose.  And an in-depth investigation by The Laughing Stork (in which we quickly threw up before-and-after pictures) shows that, well, they may just be right about that:

Hmmmm…what would prompt Beyonce to say such a thing when it looks like she only gained 30, 40 pounds max?  As usual, the cats and I attempt to get to the bottom of this pressing mystery by brainstorming possible explanations.  So here they are…

The Top 10 Explanations for Beyonce Saying She Lost 60 Pounds

10.  They weren’t pregnancy pounds that she shed… she had somehow got stuck carrying friend Kanye West’s ego around.

9.  She had told Solange that she gained 60 pounds to make her sister feel better about life.

8.  She meant she had an extra 60 ounces remaining, not pounds.  Duh.

7.  She just wanted an excuse to say “chocolate wasted.”

6.  Her baby bump pillow was made out of lead.

5.  She wanted to steal Jessica Simpson’s future weight-loss thunder.

4.  She got “chocolate wasted” during that last month of pregnancy…to the tune of 30 pounds of chocolate.

3.  She really did gain 60 pounds… and was just wearing the best maternity Spanx EVER.

2.  She was wasted when she said that at the concert.  Not chocolate wasted.  Just wasted.

1.  Who cares?  Better question is:  Why is she wearing a figure skating costume up there?  Beyonce going for gold in 2014, baby!

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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